Helping Someone Who is Grieving
By: Deb Klecha
It is often difficult to know how to be helpful in times of grief. Our words frequently seem inadequate. We are commonly uncertain about whether our gestures are welcome or not. But support can take many forms and may actually be fairly simple to offer.
Here are some suggestions:
1. Ask Questions
How many times have you thought “I don’t know what to say” or found yourself repeating “I’m sorry” several times? You may be relieved to know that there are no magic words that you are missing. You cannot change the situation—nor are you expected to.
But you can show empathy, interest, and concern by asking open-ended questions about the situation that allow the individual to talk through their grief.
The key to these questions is opening the door so that the person can tell a story (if they wish) about the person or situation that allows him/her to process feelings.
Questions like “What happened?” “How did you hear about it?” “What are you thinking about?” can initiate a helpful dialogue. It is important to keep in mind that the questions are meant to create a space for the person to talk through his/her grief, so there shouldn’t be so many questions that it starts to feel like an inquisition.
2. Be Present
Sometimes words aren’t the most effective solution. Frequently when someone is grieving the silent presence of a loved one can offer enormous comfort.
So if you are unsure of what to say, try saying nothing and just being fully present. This can mean just sitting beside someone or it can involve physical comfort such as a hug, holding hands, etc.
It is often the case that physical comfort and presence create enough emotional safety for the grieving person to verbally share thoughts or feelings.
3. Make Specific Offers of Help
It is probably safe to say that you have probably uttered the words “Let me know if there is anything that I can do” at some point in your life. We all have said this and usually we are sincere in this. The problem is that the grieving person likely has some barriers that interfere with asking for help.
The first is that memory, concentration, and motivation are affected during times of grief. So even if the person wanted to ask for help, it may be near impossible to do so. The other is that it is common—at least in this country—to not want to be a burden on others.
So if the offer of help is general, the person may not want to inconvenience anyone by asking for favors.
It is therefore much more helpful to find a specific task and offer assistance in that area. For example, offer something like, “Which night would you like me to bring dinner over to you this week?”
The question phrased this way encourages a more favorable response. And the burden of coming up with a helpful task is on you—not on the grieving person.
