Anger – a Closer Look
By: Jennifer Lawal, LPC, NCC
Ask yourself, when was the last time I got angry? Or what makes me angry? We all get angry from time to time and living in a big city like Chicago, we are faced with daily stressors that are bound to make us angry. According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, “emotions are, in essence, impulses to act, the instant plans for handling life that evolution has instilled in us.”
It is true that as with other core emotions; such as sadness, happiness, fear, etc., anger is a very powerful basic emotion that can grow out of feelings of hurt, rejection, frustration and even disappointment. However, unlike what you might have been told in the past, it is normal and healthy to feel angry from time to time in response to certain situations.
Regardless of what part of Chicago you live in, Lakeview, Uptown, South/West or East side, we can all agree that everyone has experienced anger. It is a universal emotion. We all know what anger is, what it feels like, what make us angry and the way our own anger is manifested.
Even though anger is a completely natural, typically healthy emotion, it can get out of control and become destructive in a matter of seconds. When this happens, it can lead to ineffective communication in personal relationships, problems at work, problems in social situations and even impact overall quality of life.
First, having a good understanding of why you get angry or how your anger is manifested can create a greater awareness of what your triggers are and the true function of the anger itself. On the other hand, anger can allow our voices to be heard and get our needs met.
It was the power of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s anger of discriminations of African Americans that led to change in the Civil Rights Movement, and the sense of quality we continue to fight for today. Also, it was the anger against sexual harassments and sexual assaults that led to the Me Too Movement, and many more people feeling encouraged to make their voices heard. So, yes! Expressing anger can be healthy, especially when expressed constructively.
In my own experience working with clients all around Chicago, most people do not want to be viewed as an “angry person.” Anger gives control. It gives control over a situation. Yet, it at times creates a false sense of empowerment and prevent a person from feeling or showing the “true emotion.”
Though, anger is one of the six “basic emotions,” it is also often described as a secondary emotion because we tend to use it to cover up our pain, vulnerability, anxiety and even protect ourselves when we sense danger.
It is normal that when we sense a threat, our minds produce fear and anger. The fear you generate is part of a flight or fight response from your sympathetic nervous system.
Anger is the emotional energy you produce for the fight against that perceived threat. What can be confusing is that your mind creates fear and anger even when the threat or perceived threat is just imagined.
Here are some guiding principles that might help determine whether your anger is normal.
First, start by asking yourself…
Why Do I Get Angry?
This is a very simple way of asking and finding out what your triggers are. This is known as the event, or situation/thing that occurs right before you get angry. For example, do you get angry when your partner does not keep their words? Do you get angry when your coworker disrespects you? Or when you get cut off by the driver in front of you?.
Some people have a very short fuse, while others are able to take in a lot before they explode in angry rage. The key here is to be able to know what your angry triggers are, assess the implications of such triggers and explore appropriate ways to respond.
What Anger Type Are You?
Given that everyone has experienced anger either in its mildest form or to complete rage, it is just a matter of time before someone or something triggers your angry emotion. Recall that, expressing anger is important and healthy, but you have a choice about how you do it. Are you the type of person that bottle things up, have difficulties expressing when you are unhappy or shuts down? then you might have passive or resistant anger.
Are you known to have a short fuse or prone to express angry outbursts that are wholly out of proportion to the situation? then you might be experiencing what is known as “volatile anger or its more serious form, intermittent explosive disorder.” Or better yet, are you, someone who hold anger for a very long time…even months, then you might be experiencing a habitual or chronic form of anger.
These forms all have serious consequences. A passive form of anger can be expressed either using sarcasm, passive-aggressive comments or mildly insensitive statements. It wrecks your immune system over times and can ultimately be bad for your overall health.
On the other hand, people with volatile anger tends to swing into sudden and extreme bouts of anger that are unusual for them, even causing serious damage and trouble in their relationship. Personally, it should not be an acceptable way of expressing one’s anger.
A way to remedy these anger types is to be able to express yourself in a healthy way by talking/venting to friends, express your need and deal with the emotion as you feel them rather than suppress them.
For volatile anger, getting professional help might help you develop appropriate ways to manage your anger and regulate emotions. Also, engaging in physical activity to lower your overall stress can be the perfect antidote.
What Is My Ager Covering?
It is important to know and keep in mind that anger doesn’t just come from nowhere, there are usually other emotions or feelings that spur the anger, and that may lie underneath it.
For example, you may be experiencing anger after a breakup—rightfully, but beneath that anger can be feelings of hurt, rejection, sadness, pain, fear or even betrayal. Yet, anger was formed by that disappointment or losing a relationship, hence, protecting yourself from deeply painful feelings.
First learning to recognize anger as both a basic emotion that empowers and as a protector of true feelings can be the first step. It can be incredibly powerful and can lead to healing conversations that allow you to express what you are indeed feeling; therefore, dealing with those feelings rather than covering it with anger.
Lastly…
Is My Anger Rational or Totally Irrational?
Understanding whether your anger makes sense or seemed reasonable can be another helpful way to determine if your anger is normal. Some anger is completely justified, while others are completely out of the realm of acceptable behavior. Awareness is key here and recognizing that at times irrational beliefs can lead to irrational anger, can help prevent overreactions to situations.
In addition, also know that the degree of your anger should be proportional to the degree of frustration experienced at the time, whether or not your feelings of anger are rational and appropriate to the situation or irrational and entirely inappropriate.
While anger is perhaps the most misunderstood of human emotions with many misconceptions, having an awareness of the components of one’s anger not only helps neutralize the level of anger but also allows time for rational self-reflection and more thoughtful consideration of one’s thoughts and actions.
Work with one of our licensed therapists or seek anger management treatment if your anger becomes out of control or does not seem normal.
