By: Adam Kessler, LPC
Chicago is home millions of people and therefore, home to a smorgasbord of different kinds of intimate relationships. I have been a witness to relationships coming and going throughout college, and often wondered how these incredibly kind and caring people I knew ended up in a relationship that was toxic.
Sometimes they would even joke about it being toxic or would vent about difficult times all too often, only to turn right back like nothing was ever said. So what makes difficult people attractive? There could be a myriad of things behind this, depending on the people involved in the relationship.
Validation
On paper this might seem strange and you might be asking yourself “how can anyone possibly feel validated in a testy relationship?” The person who is difficult in the relationship presents a test to the other one, who likely has a history of being in relationships like this, intimate or not. Growing up, their parents might have been very difficult people to please. Once they are finally able to get a taste of validation or reinforcement from them, it feels really good because of all the hard work that went into that moment.
This dynamic could carry over into intimate relationships because if that other person is difficult, working for that validation will grant that same sense of satisfaction that they were used to growing up. Being difficult, or having too many differences in your core values, would provide ample opportunities over time to keep gaining a sense of that validation, allowing the relationship to continue.
Problem-Solving
Building off that sense of validation, trying to problem-solve for the other person is one avenue someone can take to try and get validated. Being a “caretaker” in a relationship or seeing someone that needs caring for could be what attracts you to that difficult person. On one level, that person you’re interested in has some difficulties or is testy in the relationship and you just want to be there to find solutions and help them out. We might be familiar with those problems on a certain personal level, and are therefore empathizing with them on a deeper level.
To take it a level further: it’s possible you see your own problems in that other person, and are trying to problem-solve as a means to not only help them out, but to help yourself sift through those difficulties. Seeing the other person succeed to give feedback in any way would give you a peek into what it would be like to address that problem in your life. This might help as you intended (consciously or unconsciously), or it could lead to the opposite outcome in which you are further discouraged about your own issues because you see someone else struggle in the same, new, or different ways.
Who You Are
Regarding being personally familiar with problems based on previous experiences: it’s possible this simply built your sense of empathy in conjunction with other experiences, and this is just who you are now. You like to help people and are selfless. You empathize with other people and want to ensure they either avoid a problem you had, or experience something positive.
Perhaps you just feel like you can make a difference and are up for a challenge. This would feed into seeking that sense of satisfaction. However, we don’t have control over other people and how they act. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.
While intentions might be positive, trying to take control over something you have no control over can lead to a cycle of thinking you can make change, maybe even seeing a slight budge in the process, but ultimately come up short and trying again. This is what can keep some people in relationships with those that test them. Some people are able to function in relationships like these, while others are not. Until the desire to change outweighs the desire to remain the same, then the relationship will continue as is.
