Why trying to change someone else doesn’t work
By: Alexandra DeWoskin, LCSW
Coming off the holidays, I am reflective of the dynamics that often play out when we are all together. Sometimes tensions are high. Sometimes we wish everyone would just behave the way we would like. But, alas, that is not within our power to control the actions of others. Nor is my way of thinking necessarily “right”.
Many of us find ourselves wanting to change other people in our lives from time to time. It might be a partner, a family member, a friend, or even a situation like work. In many situations, it can feel like it would be great if people changed for the better. But, who defines better? What we’re actually asking if for others or situations to conform to what would be comfortable and convenient for us.
People change in their own time. Their change is about them. That said, you may be able to influence change in others based on your own behavior. But, pushing too hard often results in resistance. People don’t always resist change; they resist trying to be changed. And creating the conditions in which they feel safe enough to challenge their own status quo will encourage their forward momentum. It has to be their choice and your patience and support can help create the space for them to choose.
But, why do we feel compelled to change others? There are many reasons. Maybe we actually should be looking inward because we have our own healing to do. It might seem easier to change another person than to change ourselves.
Maybe our reactivity to another person’s behavior is our own issues coming up for us. We can often see ourselves reflected in others. It may feel easier to project onto another person than face our own problems. Some people may want to feel like a hero for helping someone as an effort to boost their own ego.
There are codependent traits that can compel us to try to change others. These traits are actually quite controlling. Feeling you own the power to love someone out of their problems, fix others, project your will onto others is unrealistic.
No one has that power or right. It’s inflating your own self-importance and a setup for more problems. We can think we’re being selfless, but we often have a hidden agenda. Maybe we want to be the martyr by being the one others lean on to have an excuse not to do our own work. No one can do this work for another person. It is the same with mental or emotional wounds. A person has to heal themselves, and they have to choose to heal.
Ultimately it is up each on of us to decide if we believe we have a problem, and if we want to do anything about it. As a therapist, I know I can’t help someone heal if they don’t want to be healed. If they do want to change, I can support them in their decision. But they must do the actual work.
Often, someone will come to therapy because of pressure from somebody else. But if they don’t identify a reason why they want to change and heal, there is very little I can do for them. I can talk about ideas that might be helpful, but they have to choose to implement them. I can offer possible tools to help them feel better, but they have to be willing to use them. Healing is an inside job. They need to have their own insight and take responsibility for their issues.
While we can’t heal someone, we can support them as they heal. It’s important to know the difference between supporting and enabling. Support means that you care about the person and can offer love while they’re in the process of changing. Enabling means that you take responsibility, make excuses, or cover up for their behavior.
When clients are distressed by a person or situation in life that they are trying to change, I often tell them they have three choices. These options are what we actually have control over and are applicable to almost every situation: work, relationships, friendships, activities.
- Stay, all things unchanged – Continue to do things exactly as you have been with the same results. This may look like staying in a miserable work situation and hoping it changes while you continue to suffer.
- Stay, and change ourselves – Many people choose this option at first if they desire a change. Let’s say our partner has addiction issues but we do not desire to leave. We can run around in circles trying to fix them, live in misery based on their choices, or hyperfocus on their behavior. This would be option one above. Or, we could work on ourselves. We can learn how to focus on our own lives, behaviors, moods, attitudes, interests, health, healing, and social life. We can establish boundaries to protect ourselves in an environment that is unchanged. This is a way to make our own selves happier and/or more tolerant of this unchanged environment. And, while this should be the reason we focus on self, it could also disrupt the status quo and inspire our partner to change in order to continue the relationship.
- Leave
As you will notice, there is no fourth option to stay and change the other person. This is not a realistic option. And, yet we spend so much time focusing on that elusive non option. You can’t change the way other people do things but you can change the way you deal with them.
Maybe we try to change others in the name of it will improve their life. But, the reality is that you are most likely doing it because you feel it will better your own life. And trying to change someone so they think and behave the same things that you think or behave is selfish. It can be hard to accept, but your way isn’t always the best way. Actually, it isn’t always the correct way. And we can’t all think and feel the same way.
Adults can make their own choices, and form their own opinions. Sometimes, even if you don’t agree, you just have to let people do what they want. Just imagine for a second if someone in your life was trying to change you, where they were often dropping hints or giving you unwarranted advice on what you should do or say instead. What if someone was outright telling you that you were living a part of your life in the wrong manner? You wouldn’t like it.
Do you want to waste your precious time trying to force others to change? It will most probably never work. Persistence in trying to change others will normally result in a loss for you, in more than one way.
Firstly, you will most likely lose the battle in changing someone. Secondly, you could lose that person from your life as this person will become fed up of your persistence. And finally and most importantly, you will lose all that time you could be living your own life in a happy and fulfilling way. We do have choices. And, sometimes the best choice is to disengage, leave, or establish boundaries in a situation that isn’t working for us.
