Control Anger
How to control anger is a question that frequently comes up during counseling sessions for clients who visit our Chicago offices. In fact, it’s one of the top reasons people seek out therapy. So if you looking for effective strategies for controlling your temper, know that you are not alone!
But before you learn about the different ways of keeping your anger in check, it might be helpful to know exactly what anger is. Believe it or not, there’s really a lot more to this emotion than what you might think.
What is Anger?
At its core, human anger is believed to consist of conscious thought, physiological change and some form of consequent behavior (i.e. yelling, pounding, throwing an object). When you get angry, your temperature rises, your muscles tighten and your gut churns. It is for this reason that anger is thought of as a whole body process.
And it is important to state that anger is not a “bad” thing. In fact, many behavioral scientists think healthy anger serves a purpose – such as reminding us when we have been violated or as an evolutionary response to trauma.
Coping with Anger
So now that you know what anger is, you are probably curious about how you can learn to better control it. Well, the research suggests that the most successful strategies for dealing with anger related matters involves employing various cognitive skills, coupled with a healthy dose of mindfulness.
What follows are 12 tips on how to control anger. Some of the suggestions may strike you as common sense while others will cause you to think more deeply. Read all of them in their in their entirety in order to fully absorb their collective benefits.
Are you ready? Let’s jump right in!
1. Know your anger style
Is your anger mostly passive or aggressive? Do you hold anger in – making you the kind of person who explodes? On the flipside, do you get mad quickly – causing you to lash out instantly before fully processing what you are thinking?
It might be a good idea to take mental notes and observe your reaction to anger from a distance. This can be accomplished through mindful breathing.
2. Take a time out
Rather than show an immediate response to what has upset you, count to 10 and walk around a bit. Excuse yourself from a given situation if you need to. For example, if you are having a disagreement with your spouse, tell your mate that you need to get some fresh air.
The idea here is to momentarily get away from the anger producing stimuli and calm down. This is called a “time out”. Research suggests that the initial response to anger is fairly quick and is followed by a slow simmering or “burning” process. Time outs are a great way of deescalating your anger before it reaches a boiling point.
3. Outthink your anger
What are some ways to resolve what you are feeling in a constructive way so that everyone involved feels better? Anger carries with it much energy. How can you best utilize this energy?
Can you channel that anger with creative skills – like a painting that represents what you are feeling? Can you focus on something you are grateful for? The idea here is to learn how to construct rather than destruct.
4. Learn to express feelings without shame
People who are most vulnerable to stress-related disease and illness are those who are unable to express their feelings openly and directly. In other words, don’t ignore, avoid, or repress your feelings.
Anger, especially, is like acid; it needs to be neutralized. This is accomplished through creative, constructive expression. If you suffer from health issues like high blood pressure or IBS, this point is particularly important.
5. Learn to monitor your anger
Keep track of your anger in a journal or even a calendar. Write down the times that you get angry and what precipitated it. Are there predictable trends to your temper flare-ups? Ask yourself why? After several entries, look for patterns of circumstances or behaviors that lead to the “critical mass” or “boiling point” of your anger.
6. Plan ahead
Some situations can be seen as major triggers for anger. Identify what these situations are, and then create viable options to minimize your exposure to them.
Examples include interacting with certain people (i.e. in-laws, co-workers) or certain situations, such as long lines or major traffic snarls. By planning ahead for these types of situations, you can figure out work-arounds that bypass lighting your fuse.
7. Develop a support system
Find a few close friends you can confide in or vent your frustrations to. No need to force someone to become an ally; rather, allow him or her to listen and perhaps offer insight into some of the things that anger you.
An objective perspective can really make you think differently about the circumstances that cause your temper to rise. The added benefit of sharing what you are feeling is catharsis – something that is common in the therapeutic process known as counseling.
8. Develop realistic expectations
Many moments of anger surface because the expectations we place on ourselves are too high. Anger also arises when we place high expectations on others – and they are not met. Learn to revisit your expectations and validate your feelings before your top blows off. Fine tuning your perceptions can help do away with common cognitive distortions.
9. Learn problem solving techniques
Don’t paint yourself into a corner. Implement alternatives to situations by creating viable options for yourself. To do this you must be willing to trust your imagination and creativity.
You must also take risks with options you have created and trust the choices you have made. Retaliation or “getting even” should not be one of those approaches.
10. Exercise and physical activity
Exercise and other forms of physical activity are great ways to bring balance to your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical person. Studies show that people who are in good shape bounce back from anger episodes more quickly than those who are not. Diet is obviously important too, particularly if you live a mostly sedentary lifestyle or if you are prone to depression.
11. Turn complaints into requests
Pessimists tend to complain, whine and moan. Complaining too much is a sign of victimization. When frustrated with a co-worker or family member, rework the problem into a request for change with the person(s) involved. Seek opportunities rather than problems. This is a major tenant of successful career professionals.
Try to adjust your perceptions on how you experience certain situations. This will likely aid you in the request process of long-term change.
12. Forgiveness
This point is always easier said than done. People often confuse forgiveness with forgetting. In truth, these are two different constructs. By forgiving someone of a harm they have done unto you, you are letting go of the connected anger from the past.
This doesn’t mean you have to be best buddies with the person or somehow force yourself to hang out with them. It does mean, however, that you are releasing the toxic energy from the hurt. This tip in particular is a process and takes times. Journaling can help move things along in this area. (See our journal ideas post!)
Control Anger Resources
Learning how to better control your anger is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight and requires a good deal of self-reflection. If you are looking for more information on anger management, consider picking up a copy of the book, Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way by Chapman.
Final Thoughts
The 12 tips on anger management offered here were designed to help keep you calm. Remember that what you are feeling is a normal, human emotion. The biggest challenge for most people if figuring out how to have a healthy relationship with anger so that it doesn’t cause major problems.
I hope you found this information useful! Thanks for visiting 2nd Story Counseling. Please Like us on Facebook, Circle us on Google+ and share on Twitter!
