Self-Confidence and Dating – A Closer Look
Dating in Chicago can take a huge toll on self-confidence. For some, finding that perfect match can seem so easy, but for others it’s an absolute drain. Over time (for some of us years), momentary disappointments from dating can take a significant toll on how we feel about ourselves over the long-term.
The key is that short-term dips in our self-confidence are normal and expected; but, if we aren’t careful, these dips can last for extended periods and undermine the very energy we need to act in ways that lead to confidence. Let’s keep things in perspective, the default setting for dating is failure to create a lasting relationship. That’s why it’s dating.
You might have noticed that the decrease in self-confidence causes you to question everything about your dating practices. Should you be going to Pops or Sidetrack? Is North Avenue Beach not the spot to go on your second date? Should you stick to Tinder or speedchicagodating.com?
Legendary psychologist Albert Bandura showed that beliefs about ourselves actually shape how we think, act, and feel.
Our own evaluations of ourselves secretly steer our lives. In other words, our brains have feedback loops – beliefs about ourselves influence our thoughts, actions, and feelings and our thoughts, actions, and feelings influence our beliefs about ourselves. These feedback loops actually build us up or bring us down.
Fortunately, you don’t have to be victimized by the decrease in self-confidence from dating (even if you haven’t had much dating success lately)! A robust sense of self-confidence is under far more of your control than you might have previously thought.
Not only that, but Bandura’s research also showed us that the more stable a person’s sense of self, the less likely they are to be impact by momentary setbacks and the more likely they are to engage in actions that lead to even more confidence.
In other words, you have the power to establish a stable, and positive, view of yourself!
Here’s 7 hacks:
- (1) Be your own cheerleader. That’s right – self-talk matters. Yet, those facing lowered self-confidence from dating are their worst critics. They find themselves asking what they are doing wrong, why they aren’t good enough, and judging every action and word that they share. We know that dating is a game, and that reflection is useful, but constant criticism (even from yourself) is bound for a negative outcome. So, ask yourself if you would say the words that you are using in your own head to talk to someone else you cared about. Consider ways to challenge the thoughts by asking yourself, “What evidence doesn’t support that?” Finally, practice compassion for yourself over and over again!
- (2) Catch yourself ruminating and focus your attention elsewhere to stop! Ruminating is simply replaying negative thoughts over and over and it’s foundational to the decrease in self-confidence that can happen when dating. Ruminating clouds our minds of reality. It keeps us from seeing that something may not have been perfect, but it’s far from catastrophic. Pay attention to ruminating and then work to stop. Make yourself think about something else (a mind puzzle, a new book, a complex idea, a friend, etc), distract yourself from the thought (watch a movie, exercise, take a shower), or practice mindfully “unhooking” from the thought.
- (3) Reframe your thoughts into “not yet” statements. Our brains have a huge capacity to change and grow. Carol Dweck calls it the “growth mindset.” When you acknowledge that capacity for change, you become your own cheerleader of hope. If the Cubs can change their success rate after 108 years, why can’t you!
- (4) Practice gratitude! You can always find reasons to be unhappy. In fact, we are bombarded with messages about how we “should” be. Sometimes, the better we get, the more we feel like we are supposed to be perfect. If you pay attention to the desire to be perfect you will be much more able to let it go and, instead, focus on simply doing your best.
- (5) Focus on the journey. And, a journey it often is! If you set the goal that dating is only affirming if you “land the one,” then you’ve set your self-esteem up for trouble. Instead of focusing on the outcome of a new relationship, focus on the journey of dating. Pay attention to the process, including your own thoughts and feelings, as it evolves.
- (6) Resource yourself. Resourcing is a psychological term used to describe reminding yourself of past successes with a similar situation (i.e., feeling confident at work, successfully building a past friendship, overcoming anxiety to have a difficult conversation, etc.). In a 2013 study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Joris Lammers and colleagues found that simply thinking about a time that you felt confident can actually help you feel and at more confident in the present. So, before that next date, consider ways in which you’ve been confident, poised, and calm in the past and you will actually prime yourself for confidence on the date.
- (7) Don’t just date. A really important and powerful way you can protect your self-esteem when dating has little to nothing to do with dating. It’s about the ways that you engage around your dating life. You can think of your self-esteem as though it’s the shape of the spider. Each of the legs is important to support the body. When you commit to dating, dating becomes one of the “spider legs.” But, if it’s the only leg, your “self-esteem spider” will have little to stand on when you face rejection. So, acknowledge the diversity of your other interests and relationships and make sure that you’re spending time and energy accordingly.
The dating scene in Chicago isn’t always fun, but it sure can be. The better you feel about yourself, the more satisfying it will likely be. So, get out there and date! But, don’t forget to think about supporting your self-esteem in the process!
