Gay and Lonely in Chicago?
One of the most common complaints I hear from the gay men that I see in my Chicago practice is that they are lonely. Worse yet, many of these men believe that they are the only one’s feeling lonely. Although living in Lakeivew or Lincoln Park may have unique stressors for gay men, the epidemic of gay loneliness is found throughout the country.
Despite what you might be shown or told, you are not alone if you’re gay and fee lonely. The images that we are used to seeing of gay men show them very socially connected. Maybe you’ve even heard your non-LGBT counterparts make comments about “if I were just gay, I’d have a million friends too” or something similar. But, in fact, it’s fairly alienating to be gay. Some research shows that gay men actually have fewer friends than men who are straight.
This alienation is a large reason that mental health is such a struggle for people who are LGBT (People who are LGBT are much more likely to die by suicide, suffer depression, anxiety, trauma, and drug abuse than their non-LGBT counterparts.).
If you’re still doubtful that you are the only one feeling lonely, check out some local resources. The Chicago Reader has chronicled several gay men’s experiences with loneliness. Not only that, a University of Chicago professor, Stephanie Cacioppo, is working to develop a pill to combat loneliness. She wouldn’t be doing so if it wasn’t a serious concern.
Why Are Some Gay Men Lonely in Chicago?
Loneliness among gay individuals in Chicago, like in many other urban areas, can be attributed to a complex interplay of social, psychological, and environmental factors. While it’s important to remember that not all gay people in Chicago experience loneliness, several reasons can contribute to this phenomenon for some individuals.
Firstly, despite the progress made in recent years, homophobia and discrimination still persist in some corners of society. In Chicago, as in many other cities, there are pockets where LGBTQ+ individuals may encounter prejudice or feel the need to conceal their sexual orientation. This can lead to a sense of isolation and loneliness, as these individuals may struggle to find a supportive community.
Secondly, the gay community in Chicago, like any large city, can be diverse and fragmented. People may find it challenging to connect with others who share their specific interests, identities, or experiences. In some cases, this fragmentation can lead to feelings of isolation, especially for those who may not easily fit into established gay subcultures or social scenes.
Additionally, the fast-paced urban lifestyle of Chicago (particularly in our gay community) can sometimes hinder the development of meaningful connections. The demands of work, busy schedules, and the anonymity of city living can make it difficult for individuals, gay or straight, to form and maintain deep relationships. Loneliness can result from this lack of social support and connection.
Moreover, mental health issues can also play a significant role in loneliness among gay people in Chicago. The stress of coming out, dealing with discrimination, or grappling with societal expectations can lead to higher rates of mental health challenges. This, in turn, can isolate individuals who may feel overwhelmed or stigmatized, further contributing to feelings of loneliness.
The video below from Lewis Talks on YouTube speaks more to this issue. How much of what he discusses can you relate to?
Being Gay and Lonely is Real
The problem of gay loneliness is far too real. The reasons why gay men are often lonely are less talked about, but are a product of isolation from both non-LGBT people and from within the LGBT “community” (that doesn’t always feel like a community at all).
We know that some LGBT people face isolation from non-LGBT people. This isolation comes in a variety of forms. First, we live in a culture where heterosexuality is the norm. We expect people to be heterosexual and make assumptions accordingly. For most of us, this means that even well-meaning people who don’t know your sexuality might assume that you are straight. Let’s be honest, most gay men have been asked, “Do you have a girlfriend?” at one time or another.
Alan Downs, author of the The Velvet Rage (Amazon), suggests that simply perceiving difference (in interests, activities, comfort, etc.) between you and others can create shame and lead to feelings of isolation. Said another way, no one has to do anything to intentionally alienate you for you to feel different and shameful.
Further, there are systemized forms of discrimination LGBT people face daily, which lead to feelings of isolation. Maybe you remember that during the fight for marriage equality, both the Human Rights Campaign and Lambda Legal documented hundreds of rights denied to people who are gay because they could not be married. This is an example of systemized discrimination.
While gay marriage was helpful to offer legal rights and protections, it fell far short of eliminating all overt and systemized discrimination and almost nothing to end covert discrimination.
Related: Gay, LGBTQ Therapist for Queer persons in Chicago
Rejection and Trauma
Gay people are somewhat primed to expect rejection. Every time a gay man is asked about the woman he is dating; his gay best friend refers to their reliance on him for fashion or decorating advice; or, he’s presumed to want two beds when checking into a hotel with his partner (or countless other examples), he experiences a micro-trauma. These events, while not necessarily intended to be hurtful, imply that there is something wrong or abnormal about him. Overtime, these implied messages are often internalized, leading to feelings of isolation and shame.
Other experiences, such as bullying, directly suggest that being gay is wrong and that ostracism is warranted. According to a climate survey by GLSEN, an organization that’s devoted to improving K-12 education environments for LGBT youth, LGBT youth face much higher rates of bullying than non-LGBT youth.
Nonetheless, only 30% of the schools surveyed mentioned LGBT students in their anti-bullying policies. Again, these bullying messages are internalized and contribute to gay loneliness.
Beyond discrimination (overt and covert), homophobic societal beliefs, microtraumas, and bullying, people who are gay can experience a form of minority stress in social situations. This may come from whether or not to come out when faced with heteronormative expectations of others. Alternatively, people who are gay (or from other marginalized groups) often report feeling a responsibility to “carry the torch” for all gay people.
They may attempt to meet others expectations or achieve perfection so that others don’t attribute their lack of perfection to their gay identity. This additional burden feels lonely. And to be clear, rejection and trauma can happen at the hands of people within our own community. At a recent LGBTQ Pride Parade, one client shared his story of being called a gay troll by other Chicago queer men.
LGBTQ Isolation Chicago
Loneliness and isolation doesn’t only come from outside the “gay community,” but also from within it! Many gay men perceive that the “gay community” is not much of a community at all. Gay men feel left out of any “gay community” for not fitting a certain body type, listening to certain music, making enough money, partying hard enough, or otherwise lacking social status. For many, they expected (or were even told) that coming out would solve loneliness, but the perceived community sadly doesn’t provide that sense of inclusion for many.
Further, gay men can create a bind between being “gay enough” and prizing masculinity. Often “gay” behaviors are affiliated with traditionally feminine characteristics, yet gay men report high levels of attraction to masculine traits. The result – many gay men feel isolated by an apparent lose-lose situation.
Social media also plays a role in gay loneliness. First, social media is a conduit to disseminate the isolating images and ideas discussed above. Second, social media and sex apps have become a primary means of interaction for gay men. While this isn’t inherently problematic, demographic research shows greater loneliness among populations that spend more time on social media (Notably, individual reports of loneliness and social media use vary greatly.).
Nonetheless, researcher Michael Rosenfeld of Stanford University and his colleagues have found that 70% of gay couples now meet online, as opposed to only 20% in 2000. This means that people who are gay and want to date are much more exposed to a catalyst for loneliness. When combined with the inherent rejection of dating, loneliness can be profound.
To make things worse, sex is all too often used as a surrogate to companionship and love among gay people. (Notably, this is not to say that sex is always aimed at decreasing loneliness. It is most certainly used for many positive outcomes as well). While sex does release oxytocin and dopamine, creating the perception of connection and reward in our brains, it’s effects are short-term.
The result – extensive amounts of energy and time are (at times) put into seeking sex as a surrogate to companionship and love, but only short-term gains are realized.
Combatting Gay Loneliness in Chicago
Although the reasons for gay loneliness are multifaceted, you can do something about it. Consider these ways of combating gay loneliness:
- Spend more time cultivating face-to-face interactions and less time letting apps define your connections. Join gay affirming groups – spiritual, volunteer, athletic, political, artistic – it doesn’t matter. Just join.
- Notice emotional detachment and work to avoid it. You are likely primed to expect rejection. As a result, many people who are gay put up protective “walls” and detach themselves from their emotions and those of others. Emotions are the basis of attachments. So, pay attention to your feelings and those of others. Acknowledge them and validate them. Figure out who you can trust, take a chance, and be vulnerable
- Be mindful of exposure to triggers. This means only participate in the “gay scene” to the extent that fits your life.
- Don’t exclude non-LGBT people from your social world. Most of us have done this, or probably will at some point. If fact, rejection of the “the other” is a normal stage in gay identity development. It makes sense – you don’t want to risk the rejection that you might have faced from non-LGBT people in the past. But, when you start to spend all of your time in gayborhoods and only with LGBT people, you have effectively reduced the likelihood for meaningful connections in your life.
- Seek an affirming therapist. You aren’t alone, but it can feel that way. Sometimes a trained professional is the best resource to help you develop insights into why you feel alone and even the behavioral patterns that you may be engaging in that keep you isolated.
- Define yourself by more than your sexuality. Recognize your complexity and celebrate it.
- Practice compassion for yourself. You don’t have to be the bully in your own life. Would you talk to someone else the way that you talk to yourself? If not, what could you say instead?
Benefits of Therapy for Gay Lonely Men in Chicago
You may be wondering how counseling can help if you identify as LGBTQ and lonely in Chicago. While not a complete list, here are some “biggies” to consider:
- Validation and Empowerment: Therapy provides a safe and non-judgmental space for gay individuals to express their feelings of loneliness, discrimination, and the unique challenges they face. Therapists validate their experiences, helping clients feel seen and understood.
- Addressing Mental Health: Loneliness can often be accompanied by mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem. Therapy can address these issues, providing tools and coping strategies to manage them effectively.
- Social Support and Connection: Therapists can help clients explore and develop strategies to build social connections within the LGBTQ+ community in Chicago, whether through support groups, community events, or other resources.
- Exploring Identity and Self-acceptance: Therapy can assist in the process of self-discovery and acceptance. For some individuals, coming to terms with their sexual orientation and identity can be a challenging and lonely journey. Therapists can guide them towards self-acceptance and self-love.
- Coping with Discrimination: Coping with discrimination and stigma is a common challenge for gay individuals. Therapy equips them with strategies to navigate and overcome these experiences, reducing the emotional toll and loneliness that often accompany them.
- Building Healthy Relationships: Therapy can help individuals develop healthier relationship patterns, enhancing their interpersonal skills and enabling them to establish meaningful connections with others in Chicago’s LGBTQ+ community.
- Setting Goals and Taking Action: Therapists can assist clients in setting realistic, achievable goals for combating loneliness and improving their social lives. They provide support and encouragement in taking concrete steps toward a more connected and fulfilling life.
- Crisis Intervention: In cases where loneliness has reached a critical level and is affecting an individual’s well-being, therapy can provide immediate crisis intervention, offering a lifeline during times of acute distress.
Building a Stronger LGBTQ Community in Chicago
Combatting gay loneliness in Chicago involves embracing a diverse array of neighborhoods that are queer-friendly, each with its unique character and landmarks. From the vibrant and iconic Boystown, home to the historic LGBTQ+ landmark, the Legacy Walk, to the trendy and artsy Andersonville, where you’ll find the long-standing lesbian-focused Women & Children First bookstore, these neighborhoods offer welcoming spaces for LGBTQ+ individuals to build connections, find support, and celebrate their identities.
Exploring the artsy Pilsen neighborhood with its LGBTQ+-friendly galleries and the progressive Uptown with the iconic LGBTQ+ venue, The Baton Show Lounge, can also foster a sense of community and combat loneliness.
By immersing themselves in these inclusive neighborhoods and embracing their landmarks, gay individuals can find a supportive environment that helps alleviate feelings of isolation and promotes a sense of belonging and connection.
