Self-esteem, body image issues, and gay men in Chicago
Over the years as a psychologist in Chicago working in Lakeview, I’ve seen a lot of gay men as clients, sitting on the couch in my office and sharing their life’s questions and fears and hopes with me.
Their identities have reflected a rather broad spectrum of race, age, cultural backgrounds, relationship status, career, financial stability, etc etc,- the list goes on and on. And what I’ve found is a common theme that simply does not discriminate among those within the gay community:
“I don’t like my body.”
Time and time again, it has come up in my conversations with gay men. And it is often seen as the one thing that is standing between the person and their happiness: ”If only I…
…had bigger arms…
…lost weight…
…had a better nose…
…had a stronger jawline…
…didn’t have so many wrinkles on my face…
…looked good in a bathing suit…
…then I would be happier. People would love me. I wouldn’t feel alone.”
These are the painful thoughts so many gay men are telling themselves.
Now, let’s be clear: this is not always a part of every gay man’s experience in therapy. I’ve also had gay clients who do not feel at odds with their height or shape of their jawline or their waist size (at least not that they’ve shared with me as their therapist).
But, having spoken with other professionals in therapeutic fields and having spent time working in other arenas with gay-identified men, I can confidently say that these body-accepting men are much less prevalent. Dare I say “rare,” even?
And, of course, let’s be clear on another point: non-gay men also struggle with accepting the way they look. And women – straight and otherwise – do, too. Body image is certainly a “human” thing.
Not just an issue in Boystown, Chicago
But, the prevalence of self-hate among the gay community for their bodies is staggering, leading to a higher prevalence of other self-esteem and mental health struggles.
Why is this? Why does there seem to be such a common thought within the minds of gay men throughout our society? A thought that, as one client has told me, “consumes” them?
Let’s consider, for instance, Boystown here in Chicago – the nation’s first officially-recognized gay village. On any given day or night, you will find an abundance of pride – restaurants, shops, nightclubs, and bars, celebrating the LGBTQ community among its rainbow-clad streets. It’s a neighborhood rich in history, standing steadfast in the struggle for equal rights.
And, like many other gay neighborhoods throughout the country, it is the gathering place for late night dancing and drinking and wonderful together-ness.
Related: Need LGBT counseling in Lakeview?
In all of its beauty, however, you will find an example of something that is fracturing the health and wellness of the gay men who inhabit it: competition in what they look like. It is found in the images that line the streets and within the establishments themselves.
The physical body, which is a culmination of incredible function and creative individuality, has been morphed into something that simply represents where someone falls on an unspoken hierarchy of worth – a competition in which it is clear which bodies deserve to be at the top.
And, even more deeply, this use of physical beauty seems to be an overcompensation for a gay man’s own internalized shame of simply being gay in the first place.
Simply put, so many gay men are looking for love, power, and acceptance solely within the admiration they receive for their looks. Consequently, it can become easy to reject and shame those who do not look the same, continuing a cycle that only fuels feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness.
Gay focused media
A quick glance through a gay man’s social media account will tell you no differently. It is flooded with images of flat abs and sun-kissed muscles – so much so that it becomes easy to believe those golden Adonis bodies are the majority and, like swiping through an app, are easy to achieve. And reading through a gay man’s dating app will shower you with plenty of messages of what “looks” and “types” and level of masculinity are accepted – or not.
This constant barrage of subliminal messaging that says “THIS is what is good!” and “THIS is what people want!” ultimately works to send the opposite message, as well: “You are not this, so you are not enough.”
So, of course, men try to achieve those perfectly-sculpted, well-lit, bronzed looks and find themselves committing so obsessively to it that they develop unhealthy habits that lead to eating disorders, crippling anxiety, and depression, among others.
In the end, this one-track desire to curate a sexy Instagram feed or to be the man whose physical beauty turns heads when he walks into a room overshadows all of the other elements that are beautiful and deserving of love and admiration. As a result, I have found that gay men generally have become experts of hiding those other parts of themselves and, ultimately, only seeking and accepting love that relates to how their looks.
As a community, gay men have so much to celebrate about one another – from the beauty that lies on the skin to the layers of vulnerability, resilience, courage, empathy, and love that is so beautiful on the inside.
And if you ask me, the strength of our community depends on it.
