Do Grindr Relationships Have a Chance?

LGBT Dating and Grindr – a Closer Look

You’ve met a great guy on Grindr, but you just don’t know if you should invest in the relationship.  You’re not hesitant about him; you’re hesitant because you met on a sex app.  You’re not alone!  Do Grindr relationships really have a chance?  It’s a great question and certainly one that’s worth asking.

Grindr (or other sex apps, like Scruff, Jack’d, Growlr) are a really, really common way to meet other gay men.  Maybe you’re involved in the Chicago gay bar scene or maybe you haven’t been seen in Boystown, West Lakeview, or Andersonville ever.

Maybe you’re a member of Equality Illinois or maybe your not even certain that you’re gay.  Do you spend your time at Center on Halsted galas or the Art Institute of Chicago.  It doesn’t matter.  Sex apps are widely used and, if you’re reading this, you’ve probably used them.

Let’s consider that it’s 2019 and a huge number of relationships start from online connections.  We’re collectively used to creating first contacts with social media and electronic forms.

But, Grindr is different because it’s designed to solicit sex, often anonymously, and often without “strings.”  That doesn’t mean that Grindr relationships are impossible – Grindr relationships are certainly possible – but they can face unique difficulties.

First, the mere reality that you’ve met on a platform designed to solicit “no strings attached” sex suggests that you have an implicit contract with the person you met that you will not pursue “strings” (e.g. attachments).  Nonetheless, sometimes the hookup creates a bond.  This comes because chatting might draw you to the person’s personality.

Further, your brain releases oxytocin (the “love chemical”) in response to the the physical contact during sex, which primes you to perceive connection with your mate. When people hookup, they also allow themselves to be physically vulnerable with a stranger.  This vulnerability works to establish a bond.

It’s not surprising that the pursuit of “no strings fun” often leads to bonds.  The takeaway is that, when sexual partners decide to pursue partnership, they are changing the implicit, “no strings” contract.  This will likely require strong communication to ensure both partners are on board.

Second, Grindr relationships can be difficult because the sexualized app environment encourages users to evaluate other’s worth based heavily on sexual factors (sexual performance, body form, etc.).  In less sexualized settings, one might place more focus on the other’s personality or intellect.

The result is a potential narrow evaluation of partners (e.g., only on the quality of the sexual relationship) and minimizing important relationship considerations such as communication skills, similarity of interests, fit with existing lifestyle.

Third, it can be hard to stop using Grindr.  The brain’s natural response to Grindr is similar to the response to using heroin or cocaine (activation of the ventral tegmental area and subsequent dopamine release).  Further, the way we learn that Grindr use is pleasurable (a specific type of learning called variable reinforcement) is the difficult to “unlearn.”

The result – Grindr use results in a powerful sense of reward and that makes it really hard to stop using, even when you want to.  Grindr relationships that choose to be monogamous have to overcome the biological draw to continue using Grindr.

Similarly, external validation feels great and Grindr can be an environment where people seek this validation.  For Grindr relationships that choose monogamy, partners have to be willing and able to give up this validation.  For those that rely on a compliment from others to pick them up when they feel low, this can be especially difficult.

Fourth, Grindr use can impact sexual functioning and erectile dysfunction which introduces a unique challenge to a new relationship.  Novelty at a click can create addictions and erectile dysfunction.  If you’re doubtful of this, check out this reading list.

What neuroscience tells us is that the inclusion of “artificial sex” (sexual stimulation that isn’t with another human being) increases the likelihood for erectile dysfunction because of the Coolidge Effect – an evolutionary adaptation in men that results in increased sexual arousal with the introduction of new mates.

Consider the stimulation of Grindr and porn – both of which provide a type of sexual stimulation from multiple partners whether or not “real sex” happens.  It’s the norm to be engaged in multiple conversations, exchanging multiple sets of pictures, and having multiple tabs open.  The nature of the sexual stimulation (even prior to an actual physical contact) is constantly introducing new “partners.”

Consider that our brains have reward systems to motivate our actions (this is why we have interests in procreation, eating, prosocial behavior, etc).  When stimulated, our brains release neurochemicals (primarily dopamine) to encourage us to act and, if possible, act repeatedly (i.e., binge).

However, when our natural reward systems are repeatedly activated (through “artificial sex” with many mates) our brains turn on a molecular switch (known as Delta-FosB).  The resulting build up of Delta-FosB promotes a cycle of binging and craving as well as brain changes.

Arguably the most notable brain change is that our response to pleasure is numbed.  Everyday pleasures are no longer satisfying.  So, the brain of a gay man who continually looks at Grindr will send weaker and weaker signals to his penis.

The brain is plastic and will revert to being aroused by fewer sexual signals, but this may take some time without Grindr or porn.  Waiting for the brain to revert to its original state and sexual functioning to improve can be a burden for new, Grindr relationships.

So, when that casual sexual encounter ignites greater attraction and attachment, what do you do?  Consider these 5 tips:

1. Focus on communication! Communication is fundamental to relationships, but especially important for relationships that face the stressors of Grindr relationships.  You might even consider a weekly “check-in” about the state of the relationship (i.e., What is going well?  What is not going well?).

2. Consider the whole of your partner, not just their sexual value. How do they make you feel? What are their best qualities that aren’t sexual?  What non-sexual characteristics do you not like about them?    Remember, it’s easy to get lost in the sexualized image of your partner, so make sure that you are considering them as a whole person.  This will be crucial for a lasting relationship.

3. Develop a sexual relationship agreement. Again, all partnerships could benefit from talking about the extent to which they want to practice monogamy, but it’s especially critical for Grindr relationships.

4. Reboot your brain. If you or your partner’s sexual functioning has been impaired from Grindr use, you’ll need to rely on the plasticy of your brain to reboot.  This requires breaking from artificial sexual stimulation (porn, sex apps, etc.) until your brain has begun to rewire (you will know this has happened because you will feel aroused normally without additional stimulation such as porn and Grindr.

5. Consider if you or your partner have a sex addiction and need further treatment. Certainly, Grindr use does not indicate sex addiction.  However, sex addicts can find Grindr a reliable outlet to get their addictive fix.  This is likely to impact any relationship.  If you are concerned you have a sexual addiction, check out this article to learn more and consider treatment.

Grindr relationships are certainly possible.  They face unique challenges, but none that can’t be overcome.  After all, there is a reason Grindr added “relationship” to the “looking for” section of users profiles.