Healthy Boundaries
By: Alexandra DeWoskin, LCSW
Boundaries are one of the most common issues that comes up in my Chicago therapy practice. What are boundaries; fear of boundary setting; why boundaries seem difficult to set; types of boundaries; the benefits of boundaries. I often tell clients that they are already empowered with the tools to determine and enforce how they want to be treated by others in most cases.
Those are boundaries or personal laws. Often people feel like they are victim to the whims of others. Some boundaries are overt/spoken (i.e. “please call before you come over”, or “I’m too tired to go out tonight”). And some boundaries are not spoken and only enforced by our own behavior. Fore example, if we don’t want to talk on the phone after 8:00 pm, we just need to stop answering the phone after 8:00 pm.
In this example, we started with the determination of a desired treatment, created a rule, and self-enforced that rule. The biggest misunderstanding about boundaries is that they are negative. In reality, boundaries do quite the opposite—they foster deeper, healthier connections to others and ourselves. They communicate what we need from our partners to feel respected.
Setting boundaries means putting ourselves first. This can be challenging for some people who might think of that as selfish. But selfish can also mean the opposite of selfless, which is a good thing. We aren’t responsible for the feelings of others. And we can still be kind, empathic, and loving humans while we prioritize ourselves.
Related: How to prioritize self-care
Trying to solve other people’s problems just adds to our own stress and anxiety and is a recipe for unhealthy, enmeshed relationships that ultimately lead to resentment. Boundaries serve to maintain your identity in relationships. Clearly stating or enforcing your needs, values, and limits ensures you’re looking out for your emotional well-being while building mutual respect. They also protect you from being taken advantage of or manipulated, which creates anger and further resentment.
Boundaries are individually determined guidelines, limits, or rules that we identify in order to establish how we need and wish to be treated by others, and what the consequences will be if our boundaries are not respected. Boundaries should look different for everyone because everyone has their own ways of respecting other’s boundaries.
Some people are far better than others. Setting boundaries allows us to feel secure and healthy in our relationships at work and home. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want. And there are many kind ways to say “no”. In the examples above, turning down a last-minute invitation to dinner because you’re too tired is a form of saying “no”. And, not answering your phone after 8:00 pm is a form of saying “no”.
So, how do we determine if we need boundaries? Your emotions can certainly let you know. If you are frequently feeling overwhelmed, overworked, uncomfortable, resentful, and anxious, then you likely don’t have very good boundaries in your relationships, work, or even with self. These feelings let you know when you’re letting others get too close to your emotional or mental limits.
Individuals who don’t set boundaries may believe that their needs are less deserving of attention. They may have lost sight of their own wants and needs and prioritize other’s needs before their own. They may fear perceived reactions from others like conflict, rejection or disappointment. Their identities may be too tied up in how much they do for others. They may be a people-pleaser.
People-pleasers may struggle with low self-worth and tend to accept blame when not at fault, overvalue the praise, validation and approval of others, or over apologize. Being too passive allows for others to take advantage. The way one was raised can significantly impact how comfortable you feel with setting boundaries.
This a common thing I work on with clients in my practice. I often tell my clients that the only people who would be off put by a boundary are the people trying to manipulate them in the first place. These people are often toxic. Healthy people can tolerate and respect healthy boundaries.
Guilt is another barrier. Just because you feel guilty does not mean you are doing something wrong. Especially when those around you want to manipulate you and play on your guilt to do so (guilt trip). But, guilt only keeps you stuck or makes you make poor decisions for yourself. I challenge my clients to really think about what emotions are making up those feelings of guilt i.e. fear, sadness. Emotions can be processed and learned from. Guild cannot.
Related: What is self-esteem therapy?
For those who have experienced trauma in the past where boundaries were extremely violated, boundary setting may be particularly challenging. Those traumatic experiences may have taught you to stay under the radar and not give any sort of pushback that could put you in further danger. Therefore, saying no or putting up boundaries might feel risky in the present day. Trying to please others may feel like a shield, making it hard to speak up. In processing trauma, we create confidence that our past is not in our present. And, we learn how to protect ourselves in healthier ways.
Healthy boundaries are reasonable, create safety, and often evolve as we do. Unhealthy boundaries typically fall into two categories: enmeshed and rigid. Enmeshed boundaries exist between two people where the boundaries are unclear or too permeable, which often leads to codependency and people-pleasing. Rigid boundaries include lack of trust in others; always having your guard up; never letting anyone in; cutting people out of your life too quickly; difficulty with forgiving.
These can close you off from connecting on a deeper level. Unhealthy boundaries or a lack of boundaries can lead to poor self-esteem; Codependency (caretaking for others to the detriment of what is healthy for you); overreliance on others for validation and happiness; resentment and anger; lack of personal growth like achieving your own goals and pursuing your own passions; emotional exhaustion; and burnout.
There are many forms of boundaries (physical/sexual, emotional, time, material, financial cultural, spiritual). They are long-term and need to be consistent and maintained over time. Setting boundaries in a relationship can be scary at first, especially if you struggle with vocalizing your needs or get anxious about how the other person might respond.
Physical boundaries define your personal space and include physical touch, intimacy, and consent. Emotional boundaries involve honoring your feelings and thoughts. Material boundaries consider your personal possessions. Time boundaries consider your personal schedule, availability, and respect for your time. Cultural and spiritual boundaries include consideration of customs/traditions and honoring your belief system. And, financial boundaries are about a respect for your relationship with money including privacy about those issues.
So, how do we go about the process of developing a boundary system:
- Self-awareness: reflect and identify your needs, values, beliefs, wants, desires, emotions, and limits. Think about what makes you uncomfortable or drains your energy.
- Start small: Learning to set boundaries takes practice and can feel uncomfortable at first. Start practicing with less challenging situations and build confidence.
- Communication: Determine first what actually needs to be specifically communicated to others. Again, many boundaries are unspoken and enforced via our own behavior. But, should we need to communicate, expressing your needs, wants, expectations, and limits, can foster respect and understanding from others.
- Assertiveness: Being assertive allows you to express your boundaries effectively while also considering the feelings and needs of others. Communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully using “I statements” to express how actions/behaviors make you feel.
- Consistency: Consistently maintaining your boundaries gives others reliable guidelines and allows others to trust that you mean what you say. If they’re wishy-washy, no one will believe you.
- Self-care: Healthy boundaries prioritize self-care and personal well-being. When you set boundaries in this way, they allow you to prioritize your physical, emotional, and mental health. And believing you are important builds self-esteem.
- Seek support: Talk to trustworthy individuals about your boundaries. Surround yourself with people who respect and understand the importance of setting boundaries.
- Learn to say “no”: When something doesn’t align with what’s good for you, it’s crucial to be able to say “no” or that something is not right for you.
- Respect other’s boundaries.
- Review and reassess.: Reevaluate and adjust boundaries as you evolve.
Establishing boundaries requires one be vulnerable. But, all ultimately good things require vulnerability like closeness and love. Because it involves expressing emotions and needs, it may feel uncomfortable at first.
But, in time, it gets easier and allows you to also see who may not be so healthy for you based on their reactions to healthy self-care priorities.
