Help – My Child Is Being Bullied!

Practical Tips for Parents

By: Dr. John Moore with Interview by Beverly Paramore

Are you a parent that is concerned your child is being bullied? If so, you are not alone. The issue of school bullying has become a hot topic in recent years. We know from the current research that around 3.2 million students are bullied in some form each year, according to the website Do Something. In truth, that number is likely much higher because children and teens often do not tell their parents they are being harassed.

From a mental health perspective, we know that bullying can have a serious impact on a young person’s self-esteem and mood.  In fact, kids who are bullies are 2-9 times more likely to contemplate suicide in the pre-teen and early teen population.

Because we are committed to good mental health, we decided to interview an expert on the topic of school bullying. Beverly Paramore is author of the book, Stop Bullying: Treat Others The Way You Want to Be Treated. She is a passionate advocate for children’s issues and has led numerous workshops on contemporary topics related to young people.

What follows is a Q and A on the topic of bullying with an eye towards parents. Let’s jump right in!

1Q  What inspired you to write this book?

1A.    Around 2007/2008, I noticed that there were stories on the news about children committing suicide as a result of being bullied in school.  I was surprised that these stories aired for a few weeks about different children.  It was quite shocking to me when I would hear that another child committed suicide.  One day during this time period, I was shopping and while standing in line started a conversation with this lady who was standing in line with me.  I asked her had she heard about the children committing suicide.

She said she had and, as a matter of fact, she told me that one of her friend’s son committed suicide three weeks prior because of school bullying.  He hung himself.  He was only 13 years old.  All of this began to resonate within me because I attempted suicide around the age of 10 years old.  My attempt was not due to school bullying, but the desire to escape emotional pain.  School bullying also causes emotional pain.  As a result, I felt that I had to speak to children about school bullying and decided to write a book about it.

2Q   What is bullying?

2A. My book is specifically geared to school bullying.  Bullying is a cruel repetitive behavior that is used to gain control over someone who is smaller in size or perceived to be weaker.   School bullying occurs between an older child to a younger child and peer-to-peer.  Key words to recognizing bullying behavior is ‘cruel repetitive behavior.’  You can read more on my website.

A familiar example of school bullying is taking a child’s lunch money every day (or lunch brought from home).  The child may ask for extra money or, if the child brings a lunch from home, ask for additional food.

Youth can be confused whether or not they are being bullied.   Some youth may not recognize they are being bullied if it is being done by someone who they think is a friend.  It is important that youth understand that bullying behavior is a cruel repetitive behavior.

3Q.  What is cyberbullying?

3A. Cyberbullying is being harassed or bullied on social media.  Cyberbullying takes bullying from the school yard to the world stage.  This is one of the most devastating forms of school bullying for youth because of information that is disclosed to the public.

I teach the youth how to avoid answering questions about personal information.  Generally, youth may not know how to answer those questions and my give up the information strictly based on they don’t want to lose the friendship if they don’t answer.  Personal information can be made public on social media to large groups of people.  Fights have also taken place on social media and sometimes carries over to actual physical confrontations.  In addition these words ‘LOSER’ and ‘KILL YOURSELF’ or something similar are often used on social media.

4Q.  Are there example bullying behaviors that a person should be aware of?

4A.  It can be one of the following or more than one used on an individual at different times.  Mean words about the youth, name calling, destroying property (in the classroom or on the playground for younger children), tearing clothes, stealing, stepping on shoes/feet, messing up hair styles, being pushed on the ground, tripped, punched (even standing in line when the teacher isn’t looking),  hitting, kicking (being kicked underneath desks that face each other in the classroom out of the sight of the teacher), spit on, isolating children by not having anything to do with them and cyberbullying.

I have even heard of bullying with food such as pouring milk or another beverage on top of a child’s head.

5Q. Why do so many young people think there’s nothing they can do to stop bullying?

5A.  Because sadly there are a lot of times nothing is done.   Most victims know this and most bullies know this, too.  Victims know that most times nothing will be done and most bullies are depending on nothing being done.

6Q.  Do youth tell their parents that they are bullied in school?

6A.  Statistics show that a lot of youth do not tell their parents.  Generally, the first point of reporting bullying in school is to their teachers.  One of the reasons that most children don’t tell is that they don’t want to be called a snitch.

However, there are state laws that mandate schools to have an anti-bullying policy and state laws override not telling.  Children must understand this.  Children must understand that the snitch rule does not apply to parents or schools.  First and foremost, they can tell their parents anything they want.

Some of the answers I have gotten directly from children why they don’t tell their parents are:  (1) they are not going to believe me and I will get in trouble; (2) if they retaliate in school and do something to protect themselves or fight back or say mean words back, both get in trouble  and may have to go to detention; (3) someone told me they were the bully at home, but was bullied at school.  He didn’t tell because he didn’t want his parents to know he was being bullied at school; and (4) some don’t tell because they handled the situation I was told once.  There are different reasons why they don’t tell, these are just a few.

7Q.  What is your insight as to why people bully?

7A.  Because my platform is with school bullying I will speak from that point of view.  However, bear in mind that this is a great point to speak from for adults because a lot of our habits and behaviors are formed during childhood years.  Sometimes youth bully in school because in another situation they are the victim.  This is called the bully/victim cycle.  Sometimes jealousy may provoke a child to bully.  They may consider their victim smarter than they are and feel inadequate in their presence and do what they can to discourage that youth.

They may feel that another child dresses better than they do.  It could be a number of reasons that triggers feelings of not being valued because of a lack of essential needs being met.  For example, some meals children have in school are the only full meal they have.  Some children may live in cars and have to wash up in gas station washrooms to get ready for school.  Some children who bully are very intelligent, make good grades and live privileged lives and are bored.

Their intellect may not be challenged in school and they find something to keep them entertained.  Some youth are followers and go along with the group mentality, but as individuals would not have the strength to bully other students.  It’s a myriad of reasons why.  Bullying is bullying no matter what grade and does not have socio economic boundaries.

My challenge to youth is to learn very simple critical thinking skills and to think outside-the-box.  This type of thinking broadens their horizon about life and its possibilities to become positive role models of change.  This challenge is to all youth including those who bully.

To those who may feel stuck can experience a form of freedom of mind thinking about making a difference in their lives.   There are youth who are making a difference (some 13 year olds) who have invented things that people can use all around the world.  I share this information with them.  It costs nothing to think outside-the-box.

8Q.  What are some signs parents should look for in a child that may indicate they are being bullied?

8A.  Some of the signs are:  not wanting to go to school on a consistent basis, loss of  interest in activities they loved to participate in, disheveled appearance, come home with torn clothes or dirt on their clothes, loss of appetite, being along,  not wanting to socialize with family and friends, angry and/or sad or depressed.  Making statements like I wish I was dead or something along those lines.

9Q.  What can be done to get children to talk about bullying?

9A.  Children are ashamed and embarrassed when they are bullied.  They feel like failures because they have no control over that part of their lives.  Some of them are called losers and this is exactly what they feel like.  Parents may have to initiate the conversation in creative ways.  For example, start a conversation by sharing bullying incidents you saw or experienced in school.  Tell your child if an incident occurs with them to tell you.  If your child is bullied, get a copy of the school’s anti-bullying policy to see what steps will be taken.

Go over the school’s anti-bullying policy with your child.  Make sure that the policy is followed by the school.  It may be on the school’s website.  Role playing is a creative way to help your child.  For example, personal information is sometimes spread on social media.  Children have to learn to feel comfortable not giving their personal information out.  This is accomplished by saying to the youth asking for it ‘that’s personal.’  Role playing will help your child feel comfortable saying it.

10Q.  What are the benefits of your book?

10A.  The benefits of my book are providing some answers to children about what to do in certain bullying situations.  My experience in workshops is that the children understand the need for information that’s in this book.  They appreciate the information that they receive.  I see their faces light up with understanding when they learn some of the techniques.  It is also good for parents to read the book.  There is information in the book to tell parents what to do in case there is bullying on social media.

Most importantly, it gives the youth information to help take control over their lives in a non-aggressive way and it is very empowering.  A father of a 9 year old gave his son the book.  Combined with advice from his father and information from the book, the boy who bullied his son became his son’s friend.  My book gives tips, techniques and resources which I consider a positive resolution.

11Q.  How can someone buy your book?

11A.  My book is available on Amazon.com in the Kindle Version.  The paperback copy will be released before year end.

12Q.  Any final thoughts you would like to say?

12A.   Yes.  I ask that the readers take a step back into their past as students in elementary and high school.  What behavior did you display?  Were you the one who bullied?  Or, were you the victim?  Did you witness bullying and watch as a spectator or became involved?  How did watching someone being bullied make you feel back then?

Remember, how you felt then?  If you bullied other students, did it make you feel sad at any time but you kept doing it anyway? There is something positive in this book for children who are the victims, for children who are spectators and even for those who bully.

All children are told that there is purpose for their lives in a valuable uplifting way.  Would you have appreciated learning techniques that would help you to stop being bullied or be encourage to stop bullying?  Make the connection now with your children, younger siblings, nieces and nephews.

Step out of your shoes into their shoes.  A lot of youth suffer in silence.  A lot of children have learned to hide their suffering from their parents.   I have tested these statistics in workshops and there are two questions I ask first– (1) how many of you are being bullied and (2) how many of you haven’t told your parents?

In a workshop of 26 youths, almost half raised their hands for both questions.  As the workshop progressed, they all began to open up to share their experiences of being bullied to me and to the other young participants.  They shared information with us that their parents were not aware of.  I always, always encourage them to tell their parents.

I believe that the school’s anti-bullying policy is the answer to decrease school bullying.  The school’s anti-bullying policy is a mandate from state law in most states.  The problem is sometimes all the steps are not followed by the school.  For example, if the school has a zero tolerance to bullying behavior, sometimes, depending on if it perceived as minor the behavior may be tolerated.  And so to the child who is being bullied, nothing is being done.  If your child is ever bullied, get the school’s policy to see what the procedures are in order to know what steps will be taken to ensure your child is not bullied.

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We would like to thank Beverly Paramore for her time and expertise with this interview. To learn more about bullying, visit Beverly’s website at: http://www.stop-bullying.co/