Has someone important to your partner recently died and left you confused about how to support them? An in-law? A sibling? A best friend? A member of your partner’s chosen family? These kinds of losses can be bone weary.
In fact, they often hurt in a way that’s inexplicable. And, for the partner of someone experiencing that kind of loss, the experience can often be confusing and even feel helpless.
Most of us have heard about the stages of grief, but knowing how to best support your partner when their loved one dies isn’t always apparent. This is especially troubling because you’re probably really worried about your partner.
You may see them acting angrier, isolating, or even notice they seem numb to emotions. But, what can you do?
You’re not alone! It’s pretty common to wonder what to do and how you can be a better spouse or partner. Consider these recommendations from the perspective of a Chicago psychologist:
- Show up. Yep, that’s it. Just be there. Let your partner know that you are there with them. Statements like, “We’re going to get through this” and “You’re not alone” can greatly you’re your partner’s pain.
In a series of famous experiments on psychological stress, David Glass and Jerome Singer, found exactly that. The psychologists asked people to perform a task that required concentration. Then, they blasted experiment participants with loud noises. As you’d expect, the participants experienced greater levels of stress (higher blood pressure, faster heart rates, and sweating). But, when some of the participants were given a button to stop the noises, their stress decreased.
The amazing part – not a single participant pushed the button. Just the knowledge that help was available was enough to lower their stress. So, be your partner’s “stress button.” Let them know that you are there and, in doing so, you will ease their burden.
- Sometimes the feeling of helplessness makes us want to ignore the situation and our partner’s grief – don’t. Instead, acknowledge it. Ask about how they are doing. In doing so you communicate that they are not alone and that the situation is not permanent.
- Avoid suggesting that there are certain ways your partner should feel or certain ways they should act. Grief is different for everyone and each of us may need something entirely different to cope. Indication that the person is “too hard to be around” or that they “should be over it” don’t validate their emotions and even introduce additional pain.
- Make specific suggestions about how you’d like to help. For example, say “I’d like to go to the store and make us dinner tonight. Would that be okay?” Avoid saying, “Let me know what I can do.” Open ended questions about how you can help, while intended to be supportive, transfer responsibility to your partner and can actually add to their stress. It’s also unlikely that they will ask for what they need.
- Express gratitude and reflect your partner’s expressions of gratitude. It’s important that people who are grieving find objects of focus that are not themselves. Gratitude is a powerful way to take the focus away from the pain, even momentarily.
- Find ways to indicate that the situation is not permanent. Usually, focusing on the pain and hurt of the present moment is most important. It’s easy to fall into the trap of focusing on a lifetime of pain (job disappointment that is usually present, financial hardship, etc.). Notice if you or your partner are doing so and redirect yourself/them back to the current feelings. In her book, Option B, Sheryl Sandburg states that one of the most helpful questions she heard while grieving the loss of her husband was, “How are you right now?” She explains that the question indicated that the impermanence of her feelings.
- Stay active! Take your partner on a date. This is a good time to see the latest show at the Chicago Theater or the catch a Cubs game.
- Expect that your partner may doubt themselves. It’s common for self-confidence to decrease following trauma (like the loss of a loved one). Encourage your partner to acknowledge actions they took to make positive changes in their life. These may be seemingly small behaviors (doing the laundry, sending thank you notes to others for their support, attending a work meeting), but help to increased self-confidence. Additionally, make sure that you are celebrating their strengths and successes. This helps to highlight them for your partner.
- Instill hope. Traumatic growth is real. That’s right – sometimes trauma creates growth that the person otherwise wouldn’t have experienced (life meaning, behavior changes, seeing new possibilities, etc.). Be optimistic about the potential to grow from the loss but do so without suggesting the that current pain isn’t hurtful.
- Label negative emotions. By doing so, you actually increase activity in your partner’s ventrolateral prefrontal cortex and decrease emotional activity in their amygdala. The end result, you’ve leveraged the natural process of your partner’s brain to decrease their pain.
Finally, and maybe most importantly, seek help for you and your partner if things aren’t improving! This can be especially hard for people who minimize their pain or don’t want to be a burden on others. Nonetheless, seeking help can be a sign of strength.
Make sure that you are getting the help you need to manage your own feelings and experience and encourage your partner to do the same.
