What to do when feeling dismissed
With all the hustle and bustle of the city life in Chicago, it’s easily understandable to want to have some sort of relationship with others in the Windy City. As people, we want to establish a connection with others to feel welcome, to feel heard.
Communication is important in every facet of our lives. Whether we’re talking about interpersonal relationships or romantic ones. It’s something that, when we think about it on a deeper level, is something that we utilize in our everyday lives. But what happens when your communication with others leads you to feel dismissed?
First, we should define what exactly this feeling is. Feeling dismissed is to have your thoughts and feelings minimized, to essentially become ignored for what you have to say. It’s important to know here that everyone’s emotional and thoughtful state has validity in them. To not have that be acknowledged is invalidating that person.
Let’s let this sink in for a bit: Dismission and invalidation gives the message that our subjective experiences aren’t important, or acceptable in any way.
It’s a damaging feeling that if experienced enough, you eventually ignore your own feelings too. Now let’s imagine how this buildup of dismissiveness can damage a relationship. I imagine it can hurt a lot! This not only leads us to invalidating our relationships, but we’re also invalidating ourselves too.
One of the main reasons for what people begin counseling for that I’ve seen is to improve on communication and to understand their relationship better; thereby insight towards their possible feelings of being dismissed. Here are a few examples of feeling dismissed:
1. The Silent Treatment
There’s a tendency that, if we’re frustrated at someone, that we respond by not responding. It’s a two-way street though, there’s one person feeling frustrated and another being ignored and questioning their worth in the relationship.
This can imply that the person being given this treatment should be able to figure out what the situation is. But truth is, we’re not mind readers! Consider that the more frequent this behavior occurs, the more likely we are to stop fully expressing ourselves. And to be fair, there are some people who are abusive and engage in this kind of behavior because they are narcissists.
2. “You shouldn’t…”
We all have our ideas of how we should feel given a certain situation. The thought of telling others “you shouldn’t feel that way” or “you shouldn’t have to think like this” is dismissive towards one another. However, I’ll challenge and ask if we really have the capacity and the right to tell the other person how they should be feeling.
Doing so denies our perspective and can often times lead us to feel that much more insignificant because by extension, our thoughts are insignificant too. We know about our own experiences, and our experiences only. There might be a very similar experience compared to someone else, it’s still not the exact same.
3. Blame
To place blame is to place the fault onto someone. It feels like a personal attack that leads the person to feel singled out. It also lets them know that what they’re potentially experiencing is “wrong”. Basically, placing blame and attacking someone would make the situation even more difficult, and doesn’t focus on the issue at hand.
4. Quick Solutions
Often times, when we hear someone’s difficult experiences, our first instinct is to solve the problem with them right away. Focusing on the issue at hand, rather than the person sometimes, can also be a dismissive tactic because it ignores what that person is feeling. Unless someone lets you know that they want to solve the problem, it’s often validating to simply have your thoughts and experiences be heard.
While it’s understandable to want to find a solution to every problem, sometimes the solution is to not do anything except listen. Imagine trying to tell someone how you’re feeling only to have the person say “What if we tried this instead?”. When you think about it, you’re not really being heard out.
5. Ignoring Their Truth
This goes back to again invalidating someone’s personal thoughts and beliefs. Whether we have similar thought processes or not, it is near impossible to have the same feeling as someone else because our values and ways of thinking are different than the next person. Ignoring the other person’s truth give the idea that it’s your way or the highway.
Having someone recognize your experiences does not mean that they have to agree with what you have to say, rather it validates that what you’re going through it real to you. Similarly, to validate someone else’s experiences also means to avoid defensiveness or offering advice when it’s not wanted; because that also dismisses the current need of the person in question.
It’s important to be heard out! To not have that happen can be a hurtful experience that can lead to a number of poor communication issues.
Do not hesitate to reach out to us if you are having feelings of dismissiveness in your life, or if you want to learn about how communication and validation can be important skill to have. You can reach out to us through our contact form or through our main number at 773.528.1777. Thanks for stopping by!
