Happiness – Deep Inside
By: Costa Provis, LCPC, CPC
It seems like one of the more common things people are in search of is the ever elusive concept known as happiness. After all, who among us wouldn’t want to be happier, regardless of the starting point? It is also very common that people try to isolate the solution to this search for happiness to finding just the right external factors to make them happy. In other words, we tend to look for happiness outside of ourselves rather than looking within.
Now please don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to downplay the immediate gratification that comes with buying some new “stuff” and that moment your finger clicks on the OK button to finalize a purchase. Retail-therapy certainly can play a (small) part in your happiness, but true happiness is something that really comes from within.
Let’s start by taking a closer look at Happy. Of course, happy is a wonderful emotional experience, yet a feeling that can seem difficult to find. However, I would like to ask you to consider viewing happiness as something we are all capable of experiencing.
In fact, I don’t know about you but I have experienced happiness, sadness, anger, and a plethora of other emotions all within the same day. Sometimes within the same commute!! Therefore, maybe you can try to look at happiness as a feeling that already exists within you, that you are capable of experiencing by knowing how to access. So, the question is what helps you access your happiness?
During times that you are happy it is pretty easy to indulge in that happiness – to do things that reinforce the feeling (staying active, socializing, etc.). Much like when you are sad, it almost feels “good” to indulge in that feeling as well (apathy, social disengagement/avoidance, etc.) We may not consciously think about it but it is very common to swim in the deep end of whatever emotion we experience without realizing.
We engage in the thoughts and behaviors that reinforce our existing mood for a period of time, and then for a random reason we stop at some point. Usually some new external thing happens and we react to that thing, changing our thoughts and behaviors in some way. Ultimately though, what guides our emotional experiences are those thoughts and behaviors, which are triggered by whatever that external thing might be (not the trigger but the reaction to it).
However, I don’t think you have to wait until this external thing happens, or randomly shift your mood, but instead by figuring out your existing thoughts and behaviors you can take much more control over your happiness. At the end of the day, let’s consider Happy as a mindset you can access and that you have a lot of control over.
As I mentioned, the real question is how do you access your happiness? You may have thought that happy people tend to do certain things, but as stated above because everyone is able to access their own happiness, I like to think of these as common variables during times of happiness. Let’s consider 5 specific common variables during times of happiness:
- Expectations: The first important thing to consider is a very proactive component to happiness, and that is about being aware of and mindfully setting your expectations. Just the awareness that not everything will go perfectly all the time, and there will in fact be a few missteps along the way. Everyone understands this concept and yet when we experience the letdown moments in life, we seem to forget. I don’t want to sound like I am minimizing the difficulties that could arise, I am just suggestion that because life isn’t perfect we can be prepared for the moments of imperfection. By being aware of this, we greatly enhance our ability to cope with and accept the imperfect moments a lot more calmly. By no means does this imply you have to constantly expect letdowns, only that they will happen from time to time, and you will be able to navigate them when they should arrive. With this awareness you can start to disarm those external triggers, and be more in control of shifting your thoughts and behaviors accordingly.
- Present Tense: During times of happiness, whether we realize it or not, we live in the present moment. When we are in the past we can be living in our regrets and sadness, and in the future we are living in our anxieties and worries, but in the present moment we can really be calm and happy. It is a mandatory component to being happy, and a skill that can be built up over time. You can improve or learn to just go with the flow, rather than resisting it. Whenever I think about the present I get an image of a flowing stream with a large rock in it. As we all know, the stream doesn’t stop to reflect on the rock. It doesn’t get angry or complain that the rock is there. The stream simply adjusts its flow and incorporates the rock into its existence. The stream simply accepts the rock and continues to flow. In this way, living in the present can allow you to go with the flow more easily and without resistance, and therefore better equipped at living in the present moment.
- Gratitude: Another important component to happiness is thinking about and expressing gratitude for all the good things in life. In the moments you are focusing on what is missing in your life, and what you dislike, you are certainly not feeling happiness. Now consider how you feel when your thoughts are on what you do have, and what you do like/love about your life. Those are true moments of happiness controlled entirely by what your thoughts are focusing on. Gratitude is the doorway to happiness and the “secret” to a lot reframing thoughts and shifting perspectives that will greatly enhance your emotional experience at any time. I encourage you to think about gratitude on a daily basis, even consider setting reminders for yourself to think about it. Every moment you live in gratitude you are experiencing/enhancing your happiness, and just think you can do it any time you want!
- Habits: I imagine without much awareness that you were doing it, there have been countless times in your life that because you felt happy you automatically engaged in positive habits with healthy outlets. For example, when I am feeling good it just feels easier to workout, socialize with friends, read, and eat healthier food. I actually enjoy those things at times. If during times of happiness, healthier habits come more naturally, then it seems reasonable that these healthier habits would also help you to feel happier too. It’s a classic chicken-or-the-egg situation; does engaging in healthy habits make you happy, or is being happy what makes you do these habits? Either way, when you want to increase your happiness, participate in whatever your healthy habits may be. You will be happier!
- Goals: During times of happiness it is way easier, probably natural, for our minds to focus on our goals. However, during unhappy or distressed times our minds are much more focused on the obstacles rather than the goals. In this space we see the con’s much more clearly than the pro’s, but yet it is very important to be aware of this dynamic and at least consider the pro’s. Shifting your thoughts in this way will allow you to keep overcoming each obstacle that arises, resulting in achieving the goal. The obstacles don’t stop you, they are just things you overcome on your way to the goal. I personally experience this very often.
When I am Happy it seems like all I can think about is the goal. Just consider the measures I have taken in my life to go to concerts for instance – driving many hours, waiting in long lines, and even sleeping in the car if necessary just to see some of my favorite bands over the years. But then take the unhappy mind that is focusing on the travel time, how long the line is, and all the other discomforts along the way, and in those moments it is easy to pass on any such experience. The point is what your mind focuses on will determine your actions. Years later I fondly remember those concert experiences, and could not tell you what I did on those days I was focused on the obstacles. In this way, your thoughts will dictate your behaviors in a way that gets you closer and closer to your goals, allowing you to experience more and more moments of happiness.
In conclusion: Happiness is such a great and complicated topic, but the really good thing is that you are able to access Happy any time by simply being aware of your thoughts and behaviors. I hope these 5 common variables are a helpful blueprint for you to follow, and by focusing on these things you will experience more moments each day/week/month/year of life. In this way, you really are in control of your own happiness and can access it anytime.
