Letting Go of Learned Helplessness & Becoming Empowered

By Glenn Dillon, LCSW

We all have moments when we feel overwhelmed and discouraged by life. Things we have planned and worked hard on may suddenly fall apart, when we least expect it. We may suffer tragedies or losses repeatedly and, eventually, start to feel hopeless.

For many people, such circumstances will be hard but they will figure out ways to cope by reaching out to friends or family members or by focusing on hobbies and sources of joy or by starting therapy to gain new perspectives and learn better ways to cope. Ultimately, they will get through the challenges and come out the other side.

But for some people, the strong sense of hopelessness becomes an experience that repeats itself and starts to become a pattern. Though the helplessness experience was (most likely) not intended to generate any benefits, eventually the experience of hopelessness becomes one that creates attention from others that feels good.

These benefits may be extra support, sympathy and empathy from friends, family members and/or co-workers that feels good and validating. Instead of using this support and validation to feel better and get motivated towards changing the negative circumstances into something positive, the support becomes something to depend on and rely on.

This is learned helplessness. Learned helplessness is a form of helplessness or dejectedness that has been reinforced by others over time and by the rewards generated from the experience and which leads to immobility. In a way, it’s similar to an emotional addiction of sorts.

Though the concept of learned helplessness was developed by psychologists Martin Seligman and Steven F. Maier by studying classical conditioning in dogs, the experience of learned helplessness develops when people feel that they don’t have any control over their life situation and begin to behave in a helpless manner.

This inaction leads people to overlook opportunities for positive change. The sense of helplessness becomes something the person depends on and other options just do not seem possible.

Oftentimes, a person’s habit of learned helplessness is reinforced by the nurturing friends or family members that unintentionally enable the behavior. This leads the person with learned helplessness to develop a sense of dependence and to lose a sense of individual autonomy. This is why the learned helplessness becomes an even stronger pattern and, over time, it becomes more difficult to change.

But, there are some ways to change the unhealthy pattern of learned helplessness. Following are some tips that may be helpful to keep in mind when trying to detach from the sense of learned helplessness. If you are close to a friend or loved one who struggles with learned helplessness, these tips may also be helpful to read or to share.

1. Learn to make changes on a small scale, just one step at a time. You do not have to conquer the entire situation that causes the helplessness and despair all in one swoop. Just focus on making one small step towards change. For example, if you need to save more money, just begin by taking a small percentage from each paycheck as small as 5 % or even 3 or 2 % and save it in a special savings account or even in a traditional safe. With time and patience, the savings will increase greatly. Or if you need to clean and re-organize your home or office, just work on organizing for 10 or 15 minutes a day and then commit to doing that until the momentum grows and positive results appear.
2. Pay attention to experiences that create joy and repeat these as much as possible. Joy is the antidote to despair and helplessness and the key to positive change, so make sure to focus time and energy on creating and experiencing joy.
3. Avoid relying too much on the sympathy of others and work to challenge yourself. Though it feels good to be heard and given empathy, do not become dependent on it and try to visualize feeling like you already have the power to make changes and achieve your goal, even if it’s hard to imagine.
4. Don’t go it alone and reach out for professional support from a therapist, counselor or life coach. Sometimes, the change process is too much to take on by ourselves, so we must accept our limits and reach out for professional support from a licensed therapist, counselor or life coach. The objective perspective of a professional may help to re-frame the situation by using CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy) approaches or by exploring the roots of the situation and any possible underlying relational or family dynamics.

Also, if actual depression and/or anxiety (or other mood disorders) have taken root, therapy may help to shine a light on how to treat the problem. Sometimes consulting with a psychiatrist (or an herbalist for those inclined towards Traditional Chinese Medicine or alternative treatments) about medication will also be helpful or needed.