Gay Man Trying To Find Meaning?
Have you ever felt like your life had little meaning? You weren’t feeling suicidal, but just didn’t feel satisfied and wondered what your purpose was in this world? It’s not uncommon for people with depression, dysthymic disorder, and bipolar disorder to question their life’s purpose. But the question extends beyond people with mental illness.
Gay men are particularly prone to feelings of meaninglessness and purposelessness.
It’s well documented that members of the LGBT and queer community have higher rates of hopelessness and despair, are more likely to be victims of bullying and abuse, have higher rates of substance abuse and addiction, suicidality, body dissatisfaction, and eating disorders. These health disparities for LGBT people are believed to be caused by minority stress. Recent legislation in many states, including Florida and Texas, both demonstrate the continued struggle for LGBT and queer rights as well as the systems that create minority stress for members of the LGBT and queer community.
These problems hit close to home in Chicago’s Lakeview, Uptown, and Andersonville neighborhoods. As a psychologist for gay men, the most common complaint I hear is a lack of purpose and meaning in the lives of gay men. These feelings are usually not associated with suicide and often not associated with mood disorders.
So, despite minority stressors, pressures from “gay culture,” and worldwide events that catalyze existential questioning, what can gay men do to feel less meaninglessness?
1. Consider your actions and why you are doing them. In his seminal work, The Velvet Rage, Alan Down’s postulates that gay men, socialized with the need to protect themselves, learn to defend themselves with wealth, education, exotic travel, and luxury. Sadly, this pursuit of “the good life” often results in a superficial success. They look like they have everything they want on the outside but feel empty on the inside. Instead of focusing on building “the good life,” focus on building “a good life.” Root your actions and decisions in your values.
The unattributed quote, “Activity without purpose is meaningless” captures the sentiment well. Repeatedly ask yourself, “What’s the value of this?” Get rid of the habits that you have that don’t have meaning (or indirectly contribute to making meaning elsewhere).
2. Clarify your values. It’s easy to be swept up in the pressures and expectations of others, especially for gay men. We’ve previously considered the impacts of social media on mental health, but should extend this discussion to consider the impact of social media on awareness of one’s own desires, values, and wishes. Inundated with images and messages of others activities, we sometimes assume that our values and pursuits should be the same as other gay men. Notably, this pattern can actually confuse your own awareness of your personal values.
The good news is that it’s never too late to explore (or re-explore) your own values and interests. You can consider a value sort exercise, like this one. Alternatively, consider writing the speech that you would like someone to give about you at your hundredth birthday. Or, think about the three people you most admire. Now consider what you admire about them. These qualities are probably your own values or indicators of your values.
For some LGBT people who feel lost and purposeless, these exercises can bring about tremendous anxiety. Notice if you are becoming flooded with emotion. Take breaks, cope with mindfulness, engage in soothing exercises, consider engaging in a playful exercise with friends or family.
3. Stop focusing on you; start focusing on serving others. Importantly, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t take time for yourself, that you shouldn’t go to the gym, that you shouldn’t care for yourself. Self-care activities are critical, in part, because they deepen your capacity to engage in ways that are meaningful to others. Gay men are socialized to heavily attend to themselves; in fact, minority stress requires a higher level of observation of oneself to ensure security and belonging. Unfortunately, this focus on self can often lead to purposelessness. Ask yourself, “what do I care about that I can contribute?” This focus on others is likely to cultivate feelings of meaning and purpose.
4. Recognize the impact of comparisons on your self-esteem and relationships. Just because someone else is attractive, doesn’t mean you’re not. Just because someone else makes a lot of money, doesn’t mean that you aren’t well compensated. Just because someone else is smart, doesn’t mean that you don’t have something to offer.
Catch yourself in the comparison trap. Recognize when you’re making comparisons, and instead, identify the good qualities of others without reflecting back on yourself. Compare you to you. Where are you now compared to where you have been? Compare your actions to your values. The mere idea that only one person at a time can matter is the antithesis of confidence and undermines meaning.
5. Set an example with your integrity. Gay men in therapy often report being alarmed by the ways that others see them. Seeing ourselves from another’s point of view can be eye opening. Do your friends call you caddy? Are you known as the gossip with all the “T”? Consider what these impressions say about you. Values and ethics aren’t situational. If you wanted to fully display your best self (Think: “Be the person your dog thinks you are.”), what would need to change? The answer to this question will help you identify what is actually meaningful to you.
Therapy for gay men can be both necessary to address feelings of purposelessness and meaning but can also be important to prevent these concerns from occurring or having power in one’s life. If you continue to struggle feeling meaning and purpose, seek help.
