Narcissism – A Closer Look
Well, this blog is about narcissism…let’s start by saying, healthy narcissism is a good thing. It is an important and necessary quality to possess. Clinically speaking, it is that false sense of self that kicks in, when we are struggling, to help us power through. If you get some bad news in the middle of your work day, but you need to be present for a very important meeting, narcissism can kick in and give us the strength we need to hold off our meltdown until we are in a safe space.
Healthy narcissism also speaks to positive self-esteem, self-worth, and pride in one’s self and accomplishments. A humble brag is ok! But, a complete pre-occupation in one’s self is where unhealthy narcissism comes becomes unhealthy.
The word narcissism is derived from Greek mythology about a young man names Narcissus who became so obsessed and enchanted with his own reflection in a body of water that he couldn’t leave it and he starved to death. Had he had some healthy narcissism, he might have admired his good hair day, continued on his way, and maybe had a little more pep in his step.
Unhealthy narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder is pathological and pervasive. Pathological narcissists feel they are the center of the universe which is a disconnect from their environment and others. Characteristics includes arrogance, preoccupation with oneself, a need for constant admiration, lack of personal insight and personal responsibility, and a lack of empathy and consideration for others.
We are not just talking about someone who is vain, full of themselves, or not nice. Some narcissists are seemingly nice and charming especially if it serves them. They may do something that seem sympathetic and charitable if it makes them look good. I knew a narcissist who volunteered his time for many charitable causes.
And, each time, he would send an email to hundreds of his contacts to let them know that he participated in that charitable cause. If felt very self-promoting vs altruistic. They may try to make others look bad in an effort to make themselves look good. Andy, they may do so in a patronizing or dismissive way.
They are highly reactive to any real or perceived slight because they wound so easily. And, rarely, will they take ownership for a job not well done. I call that shame and blame. They lack the necessary self-esteem to own their stuff let alone admit they were wrong, so they blame that outwardly.
There is a direct correlation between narcissism and self-esteem. The lower the self-esteem, the higher the level of narcissism (false sense of self). I often draw the visual analogy for my clients as a hard suit of armor, with no body inside…literally devoid of self.
People with that low of a level of self-esteem need a lot of narcissism for their basic survival. It’s their hard-outer shell. That big ego hides a scared, fragile, and insecure person inside. It is most likely learned early on as a coping mechanism in abusive, neglectful, addictive or traumatic childhoods. Narcissism is also a key component in personality style of addicts, abusers, and controlling individuals.
Narcissism is pervasive, chronic, and a tough nut to crack. They are the consummate victim and rarely take personal responsibility. Thus, change is often unlikely since the first steps needed for any change are insight, being able to admit you have a problem, and take responsibility. But, in the rare occasion in which a narcissist does take responsibility and does commit to therapy, their work will be long. They will need to work on developing emotional intelligence, management of emotions, effective communication, and empathy which are often things learned early on and consistently throughout one’s life.
Narcissists tend to surround themselves with people who will stroke their ego and people and things that make them look good/reflect their unrealistically inflated image of self. They can’t tolerate others holding more competence or status than them.
Relationships serve their agenda or don’t serve them at all. Unfortunately, those attracted to narcissists usually come in the form of someone with some codependency issues (caretaking to the detriment of their own happiness, health, or what’s good for them). Codependents struggle with healthy boundaries.
And, a narcissist can sniff them out and manipulate that quality. A narcissist needs people who will do for and tolerate them and codependents need people to do for. So, it’s a pretty compelling and unhealthy attraction of enabling. If you have ever had a relationship of any kind with a narcissist, you know how confusing, frustrating and draining these relationships can be. Understanding this complicated personality style may help you understand your role, attraction to, or power to protect yourself.
Narcissists can be very magnetic and charming which can draw people in. But, a narcissist has a grandiose sense of reality, perfection, unlimited success, power, brilliance, attractiveness, and ideal love. They live in a world of impossible standards to meet.
So facts and opinions that contradict their ideals can be met with extreme defensiveness, rage, attacks, insults, name-calling, bullying, and even physical violence. Because they consider themselves special, narcissists truly believe that whatever they want, they should get and expect the people around them to comply otherwise you are considered expendable.
As a consequence, they don’t think twice about taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends. And if you ask for something in return, prepare for those needs not being fulfilled (or even recognized). Narcissists don’t think about how their behavior affects others. If you point it out, they still won’t truly get it. The only thing they understand is their own needs.
Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and caring. In a reciprocal relationship, you will feel respected, listened to, and free to be yourself. But narcissists aren’t capable of true reciprocity in relationships. Because they don’t recognize you as someone who exists outside of their own needs, narcissists violate the boundaries of others with an absolute sense of entitlement.
They may think nothing of going through your mail and personal correspondence and telling you what to think and feel. If you are working on boundaries, don’t set them unless you’re willing to keep them. Narcissists will test limits. Backing down sends a message you’re not serious and can be manipulated.
If you’re going to stay in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s important to have realistic expectations. Since narcissists are so resistant to change, you need to ask yourself whether you can live like this indefinitely. A narcissist isn’t going to change into someone who truly values you, so to get those needs met, you’ll need to look elsewhere for emotional support. Spend time with people who know you and can validate your thoughts and feelings. Or cultivate new relationships with people outside the narcissist’s inner circle. Instead of looking to the narcissist to make you feel good about yourself, pursue meaningful and purposeful activities that make use of your interests and talents like work, volunteering, and hobbies.
To protect themselves from feelings of inferiority and shame, narcissists must project their own faults on to others. Try not to take it personally, let it undermine your self-esteem, or accept undeserved responsibility, blame, or criticism.
When attacked, the natural instinct is to defend yourself. But no matter how rational you are or how sound your argument, they are unlikely to hear, understand or empathize with you. And arguing the point may escalate the situation and certainly drain you as they can fight longer and harder due to that lack of empathy.
If you come from a narcissistic family or past relationships, you may not have a very good sense of what a healthy relationship is and the narcissistic pattern of dysfunction may feel comfortable. But, just because it is comfortable doesn’t mean it’s healthy or feels good.
If you’re done making excuses for bad behavior or minimizing your pain, it may be time to leave. Denial won’t make the hurt go away. Ending a relationship is never easy. Ending one with a narcissist can be especially difficult as they can be so charming and manipulative. These relationships seem to be even tougher to mend from because your sense of self has been destroyed. It’s easy to feel “gaslighted” and doubt your own judgement.
But it’s important to remember that no one deserves to be bullied, threatened, or verbally and emotionally abused in a relationship.
Narcissists will feel threatened by attempts to leave and take control of your life. They may resort to the flattery and adoration that caused you to be interested in them in the first place. Or they’ll make grand promises about changing their behavior that they have no intention of keeping Whatever works to keep you in line and controlled, they’ll try. Make a list of why you’re leaving so you can refer to it when in doubt to remind yourself.
Know that after leaving a narcissist, their huge ego still needs to be fed, so they’ll often continue trying to control you by stepped up attempts to reach out to charm, threaten, denigrate, or stalk you on social media or in person. It is best to cut off all contact with the narcissist. Every time you allow them back in, the cycle starts all over again.
Block their calls, texts, and emails, and social media. But, once the message sinks in that you will no longer be feeding their ego, the narcissist will move on to exploit someone else. And remember, since they don’t feel empathy or guilt, it shows how one-sided the relationship always was, which is no reflection on you.
This will be a difficult time and it’s important to seek supports, which may be difficult if during you time together, the narcissist damaged some of your relationships. Reach out to loved ones, they probably want to be there for you even if they were not allowed to before. If you can’t reach out to old friends, find help from support groups, a pastor, therapist, or shelter if need be. And if you feel physically threatened, seek immediate help by calling 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233.
