A New Year’s TO DON’T List

New Year’s No-No List

By: Alexandra DeWoskin, LCSW

A new year is upon us.  The thought of entering this new year, in the same defeatist way I have entered past New Year’s, gives me pause.  So, I have decided to do something different…No New Year’s Resolutions!

This idea of setting lofty and possibly unrealistic goals, only to abandon them in a matter of days or weeks, can be really stressful. Science suggests most people who set resolutions each year don’t stick with them.  By February, as many as 80% of New Year’s resolutions will have been abandoned. It’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself, not to mention the social pressure.

Some common reasons that resolutions fail include: an overly ambitious mindset; lack of specificity; emphasis on achieving goals vs. building habits; lack of relevance to our day-to-day reality; they’re not actionable; they’re difficult to measure; they lack accountability; or they really may not be OUR goals but things we think we need to be doing based on societal pressure.

Successes are great.  They feel good.  Physically there is release of dopamine which stimulates the reward circuitry in your brain. But no win = no dopamine.  Setting strong goals for yourself is essential in accomplishing your dreams, but it’s also deeply disappointing when you don’t reach those goals.  In fact, dwelling on failures can activate our brain’s chronic stress system.

Related: Learn about Internal Family Systems Therapy

I’ve been reading a lot about people making decisions to better their lives by focusing on removing what is NOT working for them, those things, people, and behaviors that are not making them happy.  Perhaps they are toxic (which means poisonous), create roadblocks, or just don’t make them feel great about themselves.

What I have found interesting is when you decide what you want to let go of; what beliefs are keeping you stuck; what habits are holding you back; what people in your life don’t respect or honor your boundaries, you actually have all the power in the world to let eliminate these things from your life.  Because these are decisions that you make for you and require nothing from anyone or anything else.

There are several quotes that have stuck out to me over the year that speak all this:

“What I’m leaving behind…self-doubt, negative self-talk, self-sabotage, shrinking for the comfort of others, settling, fear of vocalizing my worth, one-sided connections, wasting time.”

“You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”

“Love yourself enough to set boundaries.  Your time and energy are precious.  You get to choose how you use it.  You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept”

“Talk to yourself like you would to someone your love.”

I’m not sure what is the opposite of a new year’s resolution. So, I’m tossing around a couple of working titles, “To-Don’t List” or a “Leave Behind List”.  On this list is what I am going to stop doing or eliminate to live a more harmonious and authentic life.  It’s the negative, unhelpful, and unhealthy things and patterns you want to get rid of.  And these things need to be within your control to set yourself up for success.  By eliminating what is truly not working, perhaps the dopamine boost will be more regular and consistent.  The following is a list I’ve compiled of options:

1. Cease worrying about other people’s opinions.
2. Stop engaging in negative self-talk which is unhelpful, stressful and often not true. And, most of us are far more critical of ourselves than we’d ever be to someone we love and respect.
3. Don’t say yes to please people when it won’t be an act of self-care to do so.
4. Set better boundaries by deciding ahead of time what you won’t do anymore.
5. Stop taking on too many to-do’s and focus on what is really important to you.
6. Commit to not doing things that unnecessarily add stress, anxiety, drain, or strain.
7. Stop worrying so much about the future or past which robs us of the present moment.
8. Stop ignoring your gut, intuition, or instincts which, if used properly, help us make better choices for our lives that are consistent with our values and best interests.
9. Stop being paralyzed by fear, understand failure is a part of life and a great learning tool.
10. Avoid limiting beliefs which are invisible walls blocking us from our desires and manifestations. They cause us to self-sabotage.

In respects to relationships, they get their own section.  A toxic relationship may be with those who lie, manipulate, put you down, and partake in behaviors that don’t align with your core values.  Sometimes we hold onto relationships for too long.

Related: How To Spot a Narcissist

But, if it’s clear that someone ends up hurting more than helping you, maybe it’s time to let go.  If you have relationships that drain all your energy and leave you feeling worse about yourself, and you know you deserve better, decide if any of the following should be left behind.

1. People who make your life more stressful on a regular basis.
2. People who use you leaving you feeling sucked dry and void of energy.
3. People who don’t respect you.
4. People who always seem to hurt you.
5. People who lie to you or are untrustworthy.
6. People who talk about your behind your back.
7. People who may be fun to hang out with but when you need them, they’re nowhere to be found.
8. People who drag you back into old and unwanted bad habits, hold you back in life, or are a bad influence. As time passes, we change as individuals and so our needs for qualities in relationships.
9. People who make you feel gaslit or questioning your own set of values.
10. People who just take up space. If someone isn’t adding to your life, they may only be taking away from it.

Finally, remember it is important to celebrate all wins big and small.  It provides that dopamine boost, self-esteem boost, and motivation to keep on keeping on. Cleaning up what is not working in our lives can be a huge win.

But, in addition to the to-don’ts, write down your wins from the past year.  Be reflective and celebratory of the things you accomplished, projects you finished, times you made a deadline, compliments you received, and special moments with those you love. Remember self-compassion regularly.

And bring in more healthy pleasures into your life, little indulgences like a weekend nap, a walk in the park, time with your pet, a regular manicure.  Happy New Year!