OK To Be Selfish?
In a world that often glorifies selflessness and sacrifice, the idea of being selfish can carry a heavy stigma. Many of us have internalized the notion that putting ourselves first is inherently wrong, leading to feelings of guilt and shame whenever we prioritize our own needs.
However, as a psychotherapist based in Chicago specializing in anxiety and relationships, I’ve seen firsthand how this misunderstanding can exacerbate mental health struggles, including depression, anxiety, and trauma. Let’s explore why it is not only OK but sometimes necessary to be selfish—and how counseling can help you shift from guilt to empowerment in prioritizing your own well-being.
The Negative Stigma Around Selfishness
From a young age, we’re taught to share, to give, and to consider others before ourselves. While these values are essential for fostering community and empathy, an overemphasis on them can lead to self-neglect. The word “selfish” often conjures images of greed and narcissism.
Yet, there’s a crucial distinction between selfishness born from a lack of consideration for others and healthy selfishness, which involves recognizing and meeting our own needs.
For individuals struggling with depression, anxiety, or trauma, the stigma against selfishness can be particularly harmful. Depression can make even basic self-care feel like a monumental task, and anxiety often amplifies fears of judgment or rejection if boundaries are asserted.
Trauma survivors may struggle with a heightened sense of responsibility for others while ignoring their own needs, leading to cycles of burnout and emotional exhaustion. Be sure to see our post on trauma therapy.
Mistaken Guilt and Its Roots
One of the most common themes I see in therapy is guilt—especially mistaken guilt for being “selfish.” This guilt often stems from deep-seated beliefs, shaped by cultural, familial, or societal influences. For example:
- Cultural Expectations: Many cultures value collectivism and place the needs of family or community above the individual. While these values can be enriching, they can also suppress personal needs and aspirations.
- Family Dynamics: Growing up in a family where love was conditional—based on how much you gave or sacrificed—can lead to a lifelong habit of people-pleasing and fear of being seen as selfish.
- Trauma Responses: Survivors of trauma often develop hyper-vigilance around others’ needs, neglecting their own as a survival mechanism. They may feel guilty for taking even a small amount of space or time for themselves.
While this guilt feels real, it is often misplaced. Prioritizing your own well-being does not mean you’re harming others. On the contrary, it often allows you to show up more fully for those you care about.
The Case for Healthy Selfishness
Healthy selfishness is about balance. It’s recognizing that your needs matter as much as anyone else’s. Here are some scenarios where being “selfish” is not only OK but essential:
- Setting Boundaries: Saying no to commitments that drain you or conflict with your priorities is an act of self-respect.
- Practicing Self-Care: Taking time to rest, exercise, or engage in activities that bring you joy replenishes your emotional reserves.
- Seeking Growth: Pursuing therapy, education, or personal goals often requires temporarily prioritizing your own development over others’ expectations.
- Recovering from Trauma: Healing requires focusing on yourself, whether through therapy, mindfulness, or other restorative practices. This is not selfish—it’s survival.
How Counseling Helps Shift the Narrative
Therapy offers a safe space to explore and challenge the beliefs that keep you stuck in cycles of guilt and self-neglect. Here are some ways counseling can help:
- Identifying Core Beliefs: A therapist can help you uncover the origins of your guilt around selfishness. Often, these beliefs are outdated and no longer serve you.
- Reframing Guilt: Through techniques like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), you can learn to reframe guilt as a signal to examine your actions rather than an indicator that you’ve done something wrong.
- Building Assertiveness: Assertiveness training helps you communicate your needs clearly and confidently without feeling guilty.
- Enhancing Self-Esteem: Therapy can help you internalize the idea that you are worthy of care and respect—from yourself as much as from others.
- Processing Trauma: For trauma survivors, therapy provides tools to navigate the complex interplay between self-care and relational dynamics, helping you feel safer prioritizing your own needs.
Moving Toward Empowerment
As you begin to embrace healthy selfishness, you’ll likely notice shifts in your life and relationships. With stronger boundaries, you’ll experience less resentment and burnout. With greater self-esteem, you’ll feel more confident in pursuing what truly matters to you. And with a more balanced approach to giving and receiving, your relationships will become more authentic and fulfilling.
It’s important to remember that this is a process, not a one-time decision. You may still feel twinges of guilt as you navigate this new territory, but that’s OK. Change takes time, and every step toward prioritizing your well-being is a victory.
Summary
Being selfish has long been misunderstood as a negative trait, but in reality, healthy selfishness is essential for mental health and well-being. For those struggling with depression, anxiety, or trauma, prioritizing one’s own needs can feel impossible due to misplaced guilt.
However, counseling can help reframe selfishness as an act of self-respect, building stronger self-esteem and more authentic relationships in the process. By embracing the idea that it’s OK to put yourself first sometimes, you can create a life that feels balanced, fulfilling, and true to who you are.
