Pet Loss Grief : 5 Steps for Coping When Your Dog or Cat Dies

 Coping with Pet Loss

 By Bill Farrand, MA, LCPC

“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.” – Anatole France

Life events seem to run in cycles, although the pace and frequency with which they do so often varies.  Lately, I’ve noticed what appears to be an increasing number of friends in Chicago posting on social media about the death of a pet.  The outpouring of support they receive in response always touches me.

The sense of loss and grief when a pet dies is as real for the “pet parent” as that of any other loss, yet it is one with which many particularly struggle.  Often, those in this process of mourning are not given the time, nor the space to process their sadness and give expression to their grief. And some people say the most unhelpful things when a pet passes.

Who hasn’t heard some version of “He’s been walking around with that long face for a week!  It’s not like it was his mother—it was just a dumb cat!”?

While I’m not equating the sense of loss over a pet with that of a human loved one (be they parent, child, spouse or friend) it is, nonetheless, a hugely significant event that impacts most of us on a very deep level.

Obviously, the loss of a human loved one can hit very hard and resonate deeply, but for many (perhaps due to evolution or simply because the inevitability of human loss is so hard-wired into society’s conditioning) our psyches seem better primed — after the initial shock — to parse it, temper it, and then process it in as slow and measured a fashion as need be.

Most cultures today allow for this, giving ample time to work through the resultant changes in identity and behavior.  Most employers give some consideration and paid time off for at least the initial bereavement of human loved ones.

For some, the intense feelings surrounding the loss of a pet fade relatively quickly.  The grieving process naturally resolves itself: life seems to resume, or evolve, into the next phase without the pet.

For many, however — especially those dealing with other issues such as depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress — the loss of a pet feels sharper, of even greater intensity.  With the increasingly common, simple loneliness and isolation that many feel in today’s culture (for any multitude of reasons), these feelings often persist.

Again, comparing the loss of a human loved one to that of a pet is not particularly useful, but perhaps the difference in the intensity can be explained.  Most every relationship between any two people features aspects that are complicated — sometimes convoluted and dysfunctional.

Despite loving someone with all one’s heart, it can be very likely (if not inevitable) that, at some point, one may be hurt or disappointed by them — sometimes even to the point of estrangement –but these go hand-in-hand with experiencing support, joy, love and kindness both from and with the other person over time.

Since neither party can be perfect, each is likely aware (to varying degrees, to be sure) of having committed similar offenses toward the other, typically carrying forward at least some subconscious degree of guilt, shame, and/or unfinished business.

When we inevitably lose them, the innumerable facets of most any human relationship render moving through that loss an indescribably complex experience — one quite likely impossible to process in a healthy manner within any short or predictable timeframe.

Alternately, our relationships with our pets are — for lack of a better term — more pure.  Making sure they are fed, walked, and kept healthy can at times be inconvenient and costly, but for the most part, those who bring a pet into their lives more than willingly exchange these for the unconditional nature of the pet’s love and affection.

To be met upon every return home with an eager, wagging tail, experiencing their enthusiasm to be close to us, to snuggle and purr contentedly in the crook of an arm or small of one’s back while sleeping, feels far more than worth the cost and effort.  Their very dependence upon us fulfills a basic human need for purpose and the universal desire to be needed.

Pets do not criticize, condemn us, thoughtlessly disappoint, nor emotional scar us in ways that affect all our future relationships.  They’re unable to hurt our feelings with harsh words, nor to purposefully set out to complicate our lives.  In many ways, they are the most mindful teachers on the planet (see our post on dogs and mindfulness).

Although it’s been shown that they do have some levels of emotion, when we think “she’s mad at me for being gone all day” it’s far more likely a projection of our own guilt from a temporary, minor neglect of their needs.  In a word, this relative lack of complexity makes the human/non-human relationship simply more pure.

Due largely to this purity, our grief and sense of loss take on a laser-like acuity, uncomplicated by the intricacies and complex contradictions of human relationships.  This is why we may feel it so intensely.  The pet has occupied a very specific place in our hearts, fulfilling very consistent, explicit and positive needs in return for the simple, uncomplicated demands of food, water, shelter, warmth, and attention.  Special, indeed.

Here are a 5 things to remember that can be helpful in getting through the loss of a pet:

1. No matter what messages you may be getting from the outside world, or from your support system, this is a real loss. It is normal for you — and you are perfectly entitled — to experience a grieving process.  No one else gets to decide what that should look like or how long that should take.
2. It is completely normal to think you may have seen a fleeting shadow, or heard the gentle sound, or otherwise felt the presence of your pet. Many people report this phenomenon.  There is no explanation for it and it’s not necessary to analyze the experience, nor question your sense of reality.  Not everything in life is explainable.  What is real for you is real for you.
3. Think about your relationship with your pet as a whole. The end of your pet’s life does not represent its totality.  Ask yourself if you would rather have never had it at all in lieu of the hurt you’re currently experiencing.  While it may seem impossible right now, someday these feelings will transform from the present pain into warm, loving memories of your time together.  Spend a few quiet moments, once you’re able, imagining yourself one, five, ten years in the future, remembering the happy times and the joy your pet brought to you.  These are what will persist and bring you comfort.
4. Memorialize your pet according to your own values and what brings you a sense of comfort. What you choose as a final resting place for your pet, whether or not to hold a ceremony or make some public announcement, do whatever your heart tells you is appropriate.  You will know what is best for you.
5. Considering when (or if) there is a “right” time to get a new pet is a very personal, individual matter. Nothing and no other will ever “replace” your beloved pet, but the desire to do so is in no way disloyal, nor a betrayal of your lost loved one.  The fact that you’re feeling the loss this deeply might even indicate that the capacity to need and love a pet has not gone away.  You will know if and when the time is right to bring a new one into your life.  As long as you are capable of caring for them (and have the resources to do so), it is no one’s business but yours.  If the loss of your pet comes in close proximity to another major loss (or series of losses); if you are experiencing other stress factors in your life; if you have a history of anxiety, depression or other mental or behavioral issues; or if you simply find yourself overwhelmed, consider seeking outside support or the help of a therapist or counselor specializing in or at least experienced with the impact of pet loss.  There also may well be pet bereavement support groups in your area.

The website petlosshelp.org has some great information and many resources you may find helpful in getting you through this difficult time.