Self-Talk: A Closer Look
By: Alexandra DeWoskin, LCSW
In my never-ending quest to stay present…you know that place where you are not stuck in the past or fretting about the future, I am frequently employing one of the many tools in my toolbox to do so. This blog focuses on one of those tools, self-talk. I find the only time I am naturally present, without really trying, is when I am meeting with a client. I am totally focused on them. I am actively listening. I am not in my own head. But, when a session ends, here comes the flood of thoughts.
My version of self-talk is imagining that I have two voices in my head, one is a flurry of activity and negative thoughts and the other is the calm, rational, nurturing, present voice of reason who knows better. And, then the dialogue between the two commences.
My mind is on full speed most of the time with a billion thoughts popping up. The harder I force my mind to be quieter, the noisier my mind becomes. It’s human to have thoughts. It means you have a healthy and functioning brain. We don’t need to get rid our thoughts at all. In fact, that is impossible.
Rather, deciding to embrace every emotion and thought without judgment or getting stuck, no matter how annoying they are, will allow your mind to calm down. The more you fight your thoughts, the more you amplify them. You are going to hear mental dialogue whether you like it or not. Best to befriend that inner dialogue to have it work for you vs against you.
Rumination and worry are past and future-oriented thought spaces, respectfully. When I am stuck in the past, rumination, I often replay things that have happened or feel regret. When I am future-oriented or worried, it can lead to feeling dread about what is uncertain or unknown. Planning for the future is fine as long as you’re not living in the future.
Reminiscing about the past is lovely. But, obsession about what cannot be changed is futile. Thoughts of the past and future have their value. But we don’t want our experience to be dominated by the past or future. I find that the only place I am truly calm is when I am truly present. I use self-talk to help keep me in that space, to direct my focus back to the present moment.
Self-talk is the way you talk to yourself or your inner voice. It has a big impact on how you feel, what you do and even how you manage your internal world. It can be supportive and motivating or it can be negative and confidence busting. Our self-talk can be cheerful and supportive or negative and self-defeating. Self-talk can be beneficial when it’s positive, calming fears and bolstering confidence. Human nature, unfortunately, is prone to negative self-talk.
You can use self-talk to motivate yourself. I often use that calm, rational inner voice to help create psychological distance from what is eating away at me. This means I step away from a situation or thought process in order to gain perspective. You want this self-talk to work for you. So, you must pay attention. It’s easy to allow self-talk to become critical or dwell in second-guessing. Correcting your self-talk when it’s unconstructive can keep it focused on boosting you.
Negative self-talk is when your inner voice is overly critical, pessimistic, not present, and focused on the bad. Negative self-talk does not usually reflect reality and it can convince people, wrongly, that they are not only not good enough, they can never get better, or paralyzing them into inaction. Negative self-talk increases stress and anxiety. It can be overwhelming and difficult to break out of.
Becoming consciously aware of negative self-talk is the first step to breaking the cycle. Then, some simple and straightforward self-help techniques can be useful. Positive self-talk involves cultivating an inner dialogue that is kind, present, compassionate, and encouraging, focusing on strengths and potential rather than dwelling on past/future, failures or shortcomings.
To practice positive self-talk, start by tuning into your internal dialogue and identifying negative self-talk, such as self-criticism, perfectionism, or catastrophizing. Then employing some of the following tools:
- Replace negative or distracting thoughts with the opposite, positive, present-focused thoughts.
- Reframe negative thoughts by challenging them with evidence and replace them with more realistic and positive perspectives. Instead of saying, ‘I’m not good at this,’ try, ‘I’m still learning, and I’m getting better every day.
- Practice gratitude and appreciate the positive aspects of your life and yourself.
- Pay attention to your senses, like physical sensations, the sounds around you, the feeling of your feet on the ground or breathing into the parts of the body that feel tension to help relax to help ground you.
- Celebrating small wins and victories can boost your motivation to keep going.
- Encourage and treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion you would a friend.
- Practice thinking good things about yourself i.e. seeing a glass as being half full, rather than half empty.
- Identify your strengths and accept compliments.
- Look, think and act in a positive way.
- Surround yourself with positive and optimistic people.
- Journal your thoughts to become more aware of your internal dialogue and identify recurring negative patterns. Reflecting on these entries can provide motivation on tough days.
- Question the evidence of a negative thought. Is it based on facts or feelings, and if there’s no evidence to support it, refute it.
- Use kind, gentle, understanding and compassionate language when speaking to yourself instead of harsh self-criticism.
- Focus on your strengths, positive qualities, skills, and achievements, both big and small.
- Use Affirmations and visualize successes to reinforce your self-belief and motivation.
- Practicing self-forgiveness and practice self-compassion rather than dwelling on errors.
- Set realistic and achievable goals that promote a sense of accomplishment and progress.
- Visualize success and celebrate your successes.
- Surrounding yourself with positivity by connecting with people who uplift and encourage you and who create a positive environment.
- Practice neutral thinking if positive self-talk feels forced. Try to observing your thoughts without judgment.
- Set intentions, not expectations.
Remember consistency is key and practice makes perfect. So regularly practice positive self-talk to make it a natural part of your daily routine. As I mentioned, I am self-talking most moments of the day, to keep me calm and grounded in the present. Changing ingrained thought patterns takes time and effort.
So, be patient with yourself and celebrate your progress. Some habit building skills could be to start your day with affirmations which sets a positive motivating mindset for the day; whenever you catch yourself engaging in negative self-talk, pause and challenge those thoughts with one of your tools; practice gratitude and regularly acknowledge what you’re grateful for to shift your mindset from what’s lacking to what’s abundant in your life.
If you’re struggling with negative self-talk, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor.
