By: Alex DeWoskin, LCSW
Sometimes the thing we fear or believe most to happen, we actually make happen. If you wake up one morning and think—for whatever reason or for no reason at all—that today is going to be a terrible day, your attitude might make your prediction come true. You may unconsciously work to affirm your belief by ignoring the positive, amplifying the negative, and behaving in ways that are unlikely to contribute to an enjoyable day.
If so, you were likely experiencing a self-fulfilling prophecy. A self-fulfilling prophecy is when a person unknowingly causes a prediction to come true, due to the simple fact that he or she expects it to come true. In other words, an expectation about a subject, such as a person or event, can affect our behavior towards that subject, which causes the expectation to be realized. Then we are validated that what we knew to be true was.
As a therapist working on the North side of Chicago, I have seen many situations where a person who is constantly doubting their ability to perform at their job may inadvertently sabotage themselves; since they are sure their work is sub-par, they may avoid putting much time and effort into it or avoid doing it altogether. This results in a lack of practice and experience, which only serves to make their work even less competent, leading to even more self-doubt and even lower self-esteem.
Psychologists have found strong evidence for the impact of our beliefs and expectations on outcomes, particularly when we are convinced that our predictions will manifest, and even when we don’t necessarily consciously know that we hold the expectation.
These prophecies can involve intrapersonal processes (i.e., an individual’s belief affects his or her own behavior) and/or interpersonal processes (i.e., an individual’s belief affects another’s behavior). Self-fulfilling prophecies can lead to negative outcomes for self, relationships, and professional life. A self-fulfilling prophecy is described as a false prediction of a situation which alters one’s behavior and attitude, which, in turn, causes the prediction to come true.
This means that, by thinking of an outcome, we model our behavior and actions to lead to that exact outcome even though it might not have necessarily turned out that way organically. In simple terms, this theory works on the belief that the kind of thoughts we feed our mind (negative or positive) will influence the mind to strive to make exactly that happen by influencing our efforts and behavior and thereby ultimately causing the prediction to come true.
This concept is not limited to our personal thoughts. It also has an influence on the behavior and attitude of others towards us―which in turn influences our actions and behavior and thereby the outcome. You can think of the self-fulfilling prophecy as a circular pattern.
Our actions toward others impact their beliefs about us, which dictates their actions towards us, which then reinforces our beliefs about ourselves. This, in turn, influences our actions towards others, which brings us back to the beginning of the cycle. This pattern can be negative or positive. This image visualizes the cycle when interpersonal self-fulfilling prophecies are in play:
When we believe something about ourselves, we are more likely to act in ways that correspond to our beliefs, thus reinforcing our beliefs and encouraging the same behavior. Similarly, when we believe something about others, we may act in ways that encourage them to confirm our assumptions, thus reinforcing our beliefs about them. We don’t think much about these cycles when the outcomes are positive, but we have a common term for these cycles when the outcomes are negative: vicious cycles.
The cyclical nature of self-fulfilling prophecies can also play a role in the struggle with depression. A person struggling with depression may hold some very negative thoughts about themselves:
- “I’m worthless.”
- “I can’t function properly.”
- “I’m unlovable.”
- “No one likes me, they all think I’m a downer.”
- “Since no one likes me, I have no friends.”
- “Everyone is out to get me” (victim)
These thoughts may persuade one to give up on self-development and stop trying to add to their knowledge, skills improvement, or enhanced emotional resilience. If these thoughts continue this way, they might ultimately find they truly can’t function normally anymore; may feel too depressed and worthless to do even the most basic of functions, like speaking to others, making food, or showering. Thoughts like the ones above can easily transfer into reality.
There are many examples of the self-fulfilling prophecy within relationships. For example, if a woman starts dating a man under the assumption that he is not really “relationship material” or “marriage material,” she will likely not take the relationship seriously and refrain from investing too much time or effort into it. Because of her lack of investment into the relationship, her partner may feel that she is distant and unavailable, and he probably won’t stick around very long.
When he leaves, she might think that she was ultimately proven right—he wasn’t relationship material. However, she may fail to notice that her assumption influenced her behavior, and that she actually caused the relationship to fall apart via her own behavior.
Self-fulfilling prophecies can have profound effects on relationships, and these effects are brought about or enhanced by the way that we communicate with one another. When we hold internal beliefs or expectations, or make predictions about someone, we often behave toward them in a manner consistent with those beliefs and expectations.
Whether we are consciously aware of it or not, our beliefs and expectations of someone will seep into our communications with them.
So, how do we combat the self-fulfilling prophecy process, allow outcomes to naturally unfold, and lead happier lives? The first step in stopping self-fulfilling prophecies from shaping your life is to become aware of them, to become more self-aware, This sounds easy enough, but often our own patterns are obscure to us. We then need to start to tackling our belief systems. A belief system is a deeply built construct of our thoughts, emotions, and behavior which affects every aspect of our lives. The only way to make belief systems rational is to reprogram our thoughts.
We must get ourselves away from absolute, all-or-nothing language, like ALWAYS, NEVER, CAN’T, or HATE. Our brains will believe if you say you can’t do something. Over time it becomes a belief. When you believe you can’t do it, you are caught up in a negative self-fulfilling prophecy.
These words will be believed by the brain and will come back to haunt us. We must stop telling ourselves lies and begin to go neutral and let common sense and rationality do the talking. We must talk rationally to our brains (ourselves): “This causes me too much anxiety now — but MAYBE, JUST POSSIBLY, in another year I won’t feel as much anxiety about it.” “I know I ALWAYS have bad luck in relationships – but MAYBE, JUST POSSIBLY, it’s my turn for a happy one.
Changing your thought patterns is a gradual, step-by-step process which takes consistency and persistence. Then, keep your mind open and don’t close it off with negative, irrational beliefs. Go conditional or neutral. Opening our mind up to all possibilities is crucial in this process.
Stay away from absolutist thinking and believing. What we believe about ourselves today…may not be the truth. We may be stuck in a very negative self-fulfilling prophecy. So that old “fake it until you make it” advice is pretty darn good advice.
Self-fulfilling prophecies stem from a desire to rewrite our history and get it right today, However, what typically happens instead is that we’re back in the same situation, creating and experiencing the same wounds over and over. However, because self-fulfilling prophecies run deep, there’s an opportunity to heal these wounds. Perhaps with the help of a therapist, counselor or coach. Your prophecies can change from inevitabilities to a choice.
When we open our mind up to other possibilities, instead of believing “I can’t do this” or “I hate that”, it affects our belief system and our emotions. Anxiety begins to be reduced as we get ourselves out of the negative self-fulfilling prophecy cycle. As a result, our beliefs and emotions both change. And, new, positive possibilities of outcomes are able to be realized.
