How to socialize safely COVID-19?
By: Alex DeWoskin, LCSW
As Chicagoans, we need to find ways to socialize safely. The ideal thing is that we just stay home forever and never see anybody — but that’s just not sustainable. The reality is, people need social contact. While the experience will be easier for some (sorry, extroverts), quarantine can mess with everyone. Boredom, frustration, loneliness, anger and stress can sink in.
No one likes to be thrown out of their routine, particularly when the changes leave them feeling trapped. If you’re isolated long enough to environmental stimuli and light, an adverse quarantine experience could even alter your brainwaves creating brain slowdown similar to the conservation of energy experiences by animals during hibernation during winter months.
So, people are getting creative by finding ways to balance mental health needs with physical safety by creating quarantine pods or bubbles, cohorts, squads, or quaranteams. These are two or three families or a small group of friends who agree to live with and/or socialize with one another, but no one else, without regard to social distancing. But outside of the pod, they follow recommended social distancing rules.
This is a slightly expanded approach to social distancing that is tolerable, a more network approach to social distancing. Society can work to flatten the rising curve of new infections if people keep distance between groups of individuals in the same way as preventing the spread of coronavirus by limiting interactions between individuals. It’s important to find ways to maintain some in-person human relationships.
Forming a safe group to help get through whatever stage of Covid quarantine we find ourselves could be key in keeping mental health intact. Some people have built in pods or bubbles as they live with their families. But some people live alone. Some of the people most emotionally at risk due to shelter in place orders are single people living alone. You can only Skype and FaceTime for so long.
Some singles are carefully forming groups of three or four and move in together if it’s possible. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you both should be in the same cohort. And, if you don’t have a significant other within your pod, and want a quaran-sweetie, this is the time to think commitment. Normal causal dating is not safe right now. But, establishing a relationship with someone slowly, carefully, at a distance at first, can be. Maybe it’s for the kids that you’re considering this decision because it’s extra hard for them to not see friends and classmates and have interactive/social play time.
When considering creating and sustaining your cohort during the pandemic, it’s important to determine whether you and the other family or small group of friends are on the same page with regard to how you approach the quarantine and what you are looking for. To minimize your risk for catching and spreading Covid-19, you’ll want to find a family/friends that are being as careful as you are —mostly staying home, wearing face coverings when they go out in public, and not otherwise socializing in person.
You’ll want to find a family/friends that has a low risk of complications from the coronavirus. You don’t want your pod to be too big. And you need people who are trustworthy, whom you have confidence in their judgement, and who have similar mindset about what they need during the pandemic. You might also want to think about others who have interests, skills or resources that complement your’s or your family’s. Think DIY skills, similar interests in movies, music, books, and games.
It’s important to have open and upfront communication and lay down the ground rules. The more communication you have upfront about various scenarios and how they might play out, the easier it’ll be to navigate those situations as they arise. Talk about what you’re hoping for and share details about your daily life and the precautions you/your family takes. Talk about transparency. The most important thing is that you remain friends through all this and create a harmonious living situation that is better than being alone.
Some questions to consider are: What kinds of activities are OK, and what’s off-limits? Are there any activities in Lakeview, Uptown or Edgewater (for example) that I personally feel are safe? What might constitute a “breach” in the pod? If there is a breach, you can always pause the pod for two weeks while the exposed family quarantines. Beyond providing social engagement, it’s important to delegate general tasks and share responsibilities across group members so you’re not so overwhelmed. Understand up front, that you will see some of each other’s weaknesses and frailties.
And no matter how well you plan, it may just not work. Agree that either side can decide to pull out at any point without hard feelings. Perhaps you weren’t meant to be family; it doesn’t mean you can’t be friends.
Now let’s talk about getting along and maintaining healthy relationships with those you are living with. This isn’t normal life where people come and go with ease. This is a lot of together time (working and living from home). Shared confinement is an ultimate test of compatibility. These times may make or break partnerships as we evaluate what we want out of relationships and whether our partner is the one who can give that to us. The same goes for roommates.
Quarantine isn’t just about managing your own needs and anxieties; it’s about finding a way to coexist with someone and all of their needs and anxieties. Every minute of every day in a confined space for an undisclosed amount of time isn’t easy and make take extra work even if you’ve already been living together harmoniously pre-quarantine.
Fortunately, you can work together to improve your situation and stave off frustrations. The first step is to look inward as to your own needs and wants. It’s really about self-awareness. Perfect harmony cannot be the goal in and of itself. When you do come into conflict with your roommates or family members, thinking carefully about what you actually want and feel in the now. Don’t try to be each other’s everything.
That is unsustainable. Sometimes, minor arguments bring up old baggage or triggers about how upset you are about the loss of your normal life. In those cases, say how you’re feeling. Differentiate between old wounds and a surface issue. For example, you may get angry that someone hasn’t taken out the trash. But the real issue is that you feel ignored and unimportant. Express the those feeling.
Structure is very important. Negotiate how to divide time and space, in what way and how often you check in on each other, privacy and boundaries, and structured entertainment and social time, allows people not to feel like others are constantly observing them or being up in their space.
Do what you can to ask for space when you need it. Time outs are ok if called early and are without judgement. If you find things becoming tense and stale, switch things up. Sometimes you need a distraction. Take up shared interests like a fitness routine or creative or intellectual pursuit like learning a new language. Keep new challenges fun and have reasonable expectations.
And, pick and choose your battles. In times like this, we might need to let little things slide.
The following are some basic rules that might help you survive you’re communal living situation whether it be purposefully set up like a pod or bubble, or by design like a marriage or family.
1. Agree to have no hard feelings
Agree that the relationship comes first especially before entering a challenging conversation. Remember the importance of the commitment, that you are taking responsibility for each other’s lives. Don’t be resentful if you’re not someone else’s choice to join a bubble. And what you’re going into isn’t a friendship, but a partnership.
2. Think about the risk
A great bubble comes with great responsibility for the health of yourself, you’re pod mates and others you pass on the street. Starting a bubble with others, all of whom take the same precautions as you, will be potentially raise the risk that many times higher.
3. Talk about why you want to bubble up
What if you and your friends have different expectations? Start out by discussing your underlying motives for teaming up to ward off potential areas of future.
4. Agree to all follow the same rules, whatever they are
Chances are you’ll have to make some concessions; accept them gladly. Compromise, not sacrifice is key. Any reluctance on your part will breed suspicion that you’re going to flout the rules behind their backs.
5. Talk through your daily routines
Whatever your precautions against coronavirus, you probably take them for granted by now. You may be surprised to hear what other people do, or don’t do. I have a very cautious client who decided to move in with a close family for a month to break up the monotony. She was very surprised by the extent of their precautions. She had to modify her own habits to assimilate into their home. But, the companionship for that month was worth it.
Give each other as complete and honest a picture as possible of what you do. Distrust is always worse than disagreement. If you know each other’s habits you can always discuss them and find a compromise, but if you or they are caught hiding something, the whole relationship can break down.
6. Accept that none of you knows all the answers
We all know the basic precautions: hygiene, masks, and social distancing. Yet despite an outpouring of science, there’s so much information and it’s constantly changing. So, accept that we’re all just trying to do our best. And our belief system is always skewed by what you last read or saw on TV, your own personal phobias, your appetite for risk, and just how badly you want to see another person.
Avoid challenging each other on points of fact and don’t ask for justifications about other’s choices. That will create defensiveness. Instead, ask questions about their choices. This moves you from a position of judging to seeking to empathize and understand where each other is coming from. That sets you up for opportunities to compromise.
7. Agree on what you’ll communicate about, and then over-communicate
Err on the side of more information, not less, about any change in your routine. Talk about Covid worries and how those worries make you feel, even if you’re not sure it means you should change any of your behavior. Over-communicating creates a good circle of trust that you’re looking out for each other’s well-being.
8. Maybe don’t post about it on social media
If you’re having a great bubble experience, don’t flaunt it, especially to friends who may not be having such a lovely experience in their living situation.
9. Give yourselves a trial period
Agree to try your bubble for a period of time, convene to determine if it’s working, then decide whether to continue, with no hard feelings if anyone wants to stop. Don’t ruin a relationship over whether to quarantine bubble, or not.
Finally, remember these are trying times. There are resources available to talk to someone be it family, relationship, or individual. Most therapists are offering convenient modes of telehealth right now. So, reach out if you’re feeling overwhelmed, over stressed, sad or any other emotion that is difficult to handle.
