Supporting Someone Who Is Trans
By: Lincoln Giesel, MSW, LSW
Let’s assume you are in the earlier stages of supporting a trans loved one who recently came out to you and is asking for continued love and support. If you are cisgender (you identify with the gender assigned to you at birth), you may know little about trans identities and experiences despite wanting to be supportive.
This post emphasizes that it is most crucial during the earlier stages of support to focus on how you are showing up for this person rather than what you should explicitly say.
First and foremost, it is important to remember that they are the expert on their experience and identity. Your relationship with your loved one is unique and there is no specific protocol to move through this process. If you approach with humility, curiosity, and thoughtfulness, your intentions will be clear and will be far more important than repeating a soundbite you heard recently from the news.
Once you know a little bit more about how they want support from you, then you could take a deeper dive and seek out resources for yourself to better understand trans folks’ lived experiences.
Maybe they are anxious about receiving affirming health care as a trans individual? Looking at the website for WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health) or pursuing local Chicago resources like Howard Brown Health Center would be a great place to start. Maybe they are looking for trans support groups? Center on Halsted and Howard Brown Health Center are two organizations in Chicago that could offer community support.
Understanding terminology and current events can be helpful as well. This link provides a list of terms you may hear. Be prepared to do some research on your own but also accept education and teaching points from your loved one with gratitude and patience.
As you develop a basic knowledge of common terms and current political realities impacting trans people, these new facts may not always reflect your loved one’s specific needs. However, you may be more familiar with their personal concerns and better equipped to provide support.
You may notice an urge to overcompensate in trying to identify with their emotions in order to show connection and support. Remember that it is possible to empathize with an experience different from your own while still respecting those differences. It is normal to not completely understand what they are going through, but you can still understand their emotions and why they may be experiencing turmoil.
Related: My child came out as transgender
Unfortunately, our society often uses trans identities politically. Media sources can tend to water down expansive and complex identities into one or two scandalizing news stories. Take inventory of what you believe you know about trans people and make sure you are not leaning into a bias.
An example of acting on this bias would be diving into topics or content that would be at best inappropriate or at worst damaging for your trans loved one, such as asking explicitly about their sexual activities or bodies without consent. Another example could come up when someone trusts you with their pronouns and name they have chosen.
Make sure to respect their safety during their coming out process and do not assume that they will be open to using those pronouns or names across all contexts if they are not out yet in certain parts of their life. In the same vein, it would be important to know when your trans loved one would like you to advocate for them versus allowing them to take up space on their own.
Another key approach here will be to support yourself if you are finding this news difficult to process. Make sure to try your best to contain your own emotions and address them privately so you do not make their coming out process about you. You could even find a therapist who is trans affirming to confidentially work through your reactions so you can be there consistently for your loved one.
You may not completely understand how to best support your trans loved one yet, and that is okay! Respect them anyways and give yourself the space and time to better understand your role in their life. Many trans folks have created resources through a range of media on these topics, and I encourage you to continue seeking these out in your journey to support your loved one.
