Working Through Grief – a Chicago Therapist’s Story
On Friday March 14, 2014 at 8:24 AM I received a call that would alter my life forever. The caller on the other end was telling me that my partner of 12 years had had a heart attack and passed away. I was calm, asked a series of questions, and immediately began calling our friends to plan.
I went immediately into “work mode” not allowing myself to become emotional as too much needed to be handled and too many people needed to be taken care of. I had brief moments throughout the weekend of tears, but grief would have to wait.
By Sunday evening the first memorial took place and by Monday afternoon I was back to work. I remained in that state of mind for several months.
As things moved suddenly I spent much of the next few months, at times daily recounting the story with those who still were unaware.
It was not until much later that the emotions would come. While walking down the grocery store cereal isle of all places, that I completely broke down. I picked up the box of cereal that I had purchased many times before for my partner, and while placing it in the cart the realization that he was no longer there to buy for was too much. I ran out of the store, ran home and spent the next several days curled up crying.
More: How grief counseling helps
All the months of pushing away the grief had become too much, and as it does with everyone the dam finally broke. Over the next several months I managed my way through the stages of grief, with an expectation that grief was a linear process and once each stage had been achieved I would move forward, until completed.
What I didn’t know then, that I understand now is that grief never fully ends, we work through the stages and at the end learn how to adjust our lives according to the grief.
“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” ― Anne Lamott
What I’d like to offer to those currently grieving and for those whose grief is yet to come are 5 ways to learn how to live with your grief. Not as a broken individual, but as one who can thrive despite the pain of losing a loved one.
- Acknowledge that life is different
The void you feel after your loved one is gone is very real. It is not a void that can be filled with something or someone else. Your loved one held a very special place in your heart. Acknowledge that with that person no longer here there is a very real void that can’t be filled. However, even though life without your loved one is very real, acknowledging that fact is the very way one begins to build your life once again
- Allow yourself to feel ALL the emotions
Allow yourself to feel the emotions. Running away from those emotions could lead you down the same path I took. Months of emotional shut down and then the cracks in the emotional dam finally give way. You don’t need to be strong for everyone else. Own the fact that there is a plethora of emotions that will come from sadness and fear to anger and bitterness, relief and joy just to name a few. Whatever the emotions let them come as healing comes when we simply let go and experience what we should.
- Build your strength through others
Don’t be afraid to talk about your loved one. Strength in happy memories often comes from building ourselves up by sharing with others the joy that your loved one brought to your life. Don’t seclude yourself or feel like you are being a burden by holding your friends close. Our friends are there to lift us up when we are down. Just like they lift you up, so too will you be able to return the favor at some point in their life.
- Try not to let your grief be the central focus of your life
You are not forgetting your loved one by living your life. Work, play, enjoy the company of friends, and yes at times let the sadness come, have a good cry and then step by step move forward. There will always be times throughout your life when you grieve your loss, however as time goes on the grief will be less severe. Acknowledge your grief, acknowledge your emotions and let others help you through the process. You must learn how to live without your loved one present. However, your loved one was and always will hold a piece of your heart that no one and nothing else can fill.
- Let the love you had for your loved one carry you through the pain
Memories and traditions are important for moving forward. Don’t pack away everything in hopes that absence will make the grief go away. Acknowledging that your loved one holds that special place is the very thing that may help you to move forward.
More: LGBT counseling and therapy in Chicago
Additionally, a yearly tradition on the anniversary of their death allows you to let the loved one live on in your life.
Each year I go to the place on Lake Michigan where I released my partners ashes. I ponder our life together both good and bad. I usually have a good cry and then spend the remainder of the day surrounded by friends. I utilize the love that I had for my partner to move forward.
Today, let the love you and your loved one had been celebrated. There will never be another person who can fill that exact piece of your heart. Lucky for us we have a large heart to be filled.
LGBTQ People and Grief
Grief is a universal human experience, transcending boundaries of age, gender, and sexual orientation. However, the way individuals navigate and process grief can vary significantly. For gay men, the experience of grief can be nuanced and shaped by unique challenges, making therapeutic support essential in their journey toward healing.
Let me explain some of the unique issues:
- Social Stigma and Isolation:
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- Gay men often face societal stigmas and discrimination that can compound the challenges of grieving.
- In many cases, individuals may have lost a partner or a loved one in an environment that did not fully recognize or validate their relationships.
- Therapists must acknowledge and address the impact of social isolation and prejudice in the grieving process.
- Family Dynamics:
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- Traditional family structures may not always provide the expected support for gay men grieving the loss of a loved one.
- Coming out dynamics and strained family relationships can add an additional layer of complexity to the grief process.
- Therapists need to create a safe space for clients to explore these dynamics and work through any unresolved family issues that may affect their grieving.
- Ambiguous Loss:
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- Gay men may face unique forms of ambiguous loss, such as disenfranchised grief resulting from societal invalidation of their relationships.
- Therapists should be attuned to the complexity of these losses, providing validation and understanding to clients who may feel that their grief is not acknowledged or understood by others.
- Health Disparities:
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- The LGBTQ+ community, including gay men, may encounter higher rates of health disparities.
- This can impact grief experiences, particularly when the loss is related to health issues like HIV/AIDS or other conditions that disproportionately affect the community.
- Therapists should be knowledgeable about these health disparities and tailor their approach to address the specific challenges they present.
- Internalized Homophobia:
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- Internalized homophobia, which can be deeply ingrained due to societal prejudices, may surface during the grieving process.
- Gay men might grapple with feelings of shame or guilt that can complicate their ability to mourn openly.
- Therapists should foster a non-judgmental environment, encouraging clients to explore and challenge any internalized negative beliefs.
- Cultural Competence:
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- Culturally competent therapy is crucial for supporting gay men in their grief journey.
- Therapists should be well-versed in LGBTQ+ issues, terminology, and the unique challenges faced by this community.
- An inclusive and understanding therapeutic approach helps build trust and ensures that the client feels seen and heard.
Wrap Up
Supporting gay men through the grieving process requires a nuanced and culturally competent therapeutic approach. By acknowledging the unique challenges they face, therapists can create a safe space for clients to explore and express their grief authentically.
In doing so, the therapeutic relationship becomes a vital source of validation, understanding, and healing for gay men navigating the complex terrain of grief in a society that may not always fully recognize their experiences.
If you identify as LGBTQ or Queer and are experiencing grief, loss, or emotional pain, please reach out to one of our Chicago therapists.
