Transgender child or loved on guidance
By: HHeather Holly, ALMFT
As celebrities like Lavergne Cox become more visible advocates for transgender rights, more and more people are feeling brave enough to be their true selves and transition. When a loved one goes through this process, they can feel exhilarated and excited to finally get to be their authentic selves.
They may also struggle with depression and anxiety as they face stigma or discrimination. You also probably have a lot of your own fears and feelings related to your loved one’s transition. Whether this loved one is your child, sibling, or partner, you likely have a lot of questions and concerns. This is true for many people in Chicago who are working through gender identity issues.
One major question you might have is, how can I support them?
- Ask! Your loved one may be afraid to ask for help or support. Be proactive. Ask what you can do, keep offering to help and support.
- Take their lead. Transition is a very personal process, and there is no right way to handle it. So, respect your loved one’s choices about who to tell and when and what steps they’re taking along the way.
- Adjust your language. If you’ve been calling your loved one a certain name and pronouns, it can certainly be challenging to make an adjustment. You will probably make mistakes, and that’s ok, just try to catch yourself and apologize. Try your best though. It means a lot when you call your loved one by the correct name and pronouns.
- Be an ally and an advocate. Part of being an ally is showing up to fun events like Pride Parade, but the even bigger piece is being brave enough to say something if someone misgenders your loved one or someone makes a transphobic joke or comment.
There’s also another major question you might be having: What about me?
- Take care of yourself. While transitioning is very exciting for your loved one, it’s natural and normal for you to have a variety of feelings about this change. It’s normal to feel scared about what the future holds for you and your loved one, particularly if said loved one is your romantic partner. It’s also perfectly normal to experience feelings of grief and loss. In some ways it may feel like you’re losing your loved one, and you are losing a version of them. At the same time, you’re gaining the joy of a happier version of them.
- Build community. At the beginning of your loved one’s transition it might be hard to get support, particularly if your loved one does not yet want other people to know. As mentioned above, it’s important to respect this. At the same time, it can be crucial to find confidential supports. Places like Reddit and Facebook often offer a place to receive more discrete support or at least read about other people’s experiences. You may also want to ask your loved one if you can have at least one confidante early on. There are also increasingly more local support groups for friends and family of LGBTQ+ individuals, such as PFLAG, which can provide valuable support and guidance.
- Get support. Again, it’s normal and expected that you’re having a lot of feelings about this. It can be crucial to have support, and therapy can be a key resource. A therapist who is well-versed in trans+ issues can help guide you in providing the best support for your loved one as well as help you process your complex feelings.
- Consider family/couples counseling. With the stress and heightened emotions transition might bring, communication issues are bound to happen. Your loved one might struggle with questioning if you really support them. You might struggle with feeling like your loved one can’t hear or understand your complex feelings. Family or couples counseling can help you improve communication and turn towards instead of away from each other. If there are children involved, a good family therapist can help you navigate difficult questions and explain things in age-appropriate ways.
In short, your loved one’s transition is also a transition for you! It may be challenging at time, but it can also be exciting and positive, and with the right supports, you’ll get through and likely gain a happier loved one in the process!
