By: Alan Tsang, MA, LPC, NCC
As teens continue to grow and mature, they face constant battles both internally and externally (My Chicago Therapist, 2018). With a population of close to 2.7 million as of 2019, the US Census Bureau (2019) has calculated that Chicago’s demographic for teens is about 12 percent of the city’s population. Additionally, Trent (2018) noted that teens desire freedom to be able to explore their identity as they begin to form it for themselves and to escape punishment (Pickhardt, 2009). Teens not being able to have the freedom to explore the formation of their identity may generally push for more deception between them and their parents.
What purpose does it serve for teenagers to lie, whether by commission or omission (Pickhardt, 2009; Pickhardt, 2018)? Taking into consideration where we are, Chicago has many opportunities for people, both teens and adults, to explore its history and themselves. There may be times when going out to a particular event is not allowed by a parent. Also considering that at adolescence, one of the primary focuses for a teen is to establish their self-identity, teens would be quick to deviate from what their parents tell them; but often times at a cost not only to themselves, especially to those around them (Pickhardt, 2009; Trent, 2018).
See related article: Therapists for Teens in Chicago
While freedom is something that teens desire, many have considered how as a parent, the concept of freedom being given to their adolescent children is not free compared to showing love and care (Pickhardt, 2018; Trent, 2018). Trust and freedom can be considered moving together hand in hand. Trust fosters freedom while freedom is built from trust. While these features are important in building a strong relationship between parent and children, it should be important to note that the level and ease of building these features up is also dependent on the relationship that was already established.
Fostering trust for a teenager can be a difficult yet rewarding experience. While this does not mean the experience will be easy when the adolescent lies, perhaps we can also consider these few points:
1. Open Communication
This is not just for the teens, but for the parents too. At the end of the day, this is a two way street and both the parents and teens having open lines of communication can create trust for both parties. If the conversation is rooted in honesty, perhaps this can create a standard for what the adolescent can look up to and hold his or her own standards for. Pickhardt (2009) also mentioned that lying can be a reflection of how future relationships take place. This would also further build on the open communication in terms of honesty and being able to continue fostering trust from the adolescent.
2. Explain The Consequences of Lying
Providing a description of what it costs to lie can let the teenager know the risks of the behavior (Pickhardt, 2009). A lie can get us out of trouble, but at the cost of impairing the relationship that you have with the individual in the long run. Being able to explain this aspect to your adolescent can open up the line of communication and begin a path towards honesty between parent and child. Taking it a step further, being able to explain and have a discussion about what led to the lie happening in the first place can also build up dialogue for how to prevent the behavior from happening again in the future (Pickhardt, 2009).
3. Model the Behaviors
This point is exactly what it is. Modeling the behaviors that you would want your adolescent to have is something useful when you want to build trust and honesty. As teens are looking to the world for how they can form their identity, one of the first and most important things that they see is the behavior of the parents. The interactions and behaviors parents make are observed and absorbed by the teen to help them recognize what is essentially good or bad; that it would be better to tell than to deceive (Trent, 2018). So what would happen if the teen observed lying on a frequent basis in an important stage of shaping themselves?
4. The Relationship Between Teen and Parent
As mentioned, this particular relationship is essential in ensuring honesty (Pickhardt, 2018; Trent, 2018). Being able to openly discuss the implications of lying can provide preventative outlooks for repeating the behaviors (Pickhardt, 2018). While the parent is finding ways to trust the teen, I would challenge that the adolescent is likely to have similar thoughts about the parent. How can trust be modeled on both ends of the relationship? Pickhardt (2018) challenges that parents validating teens being able to express vulnerability in their honesty is crucial as this can open up conversations about the desire to lie and how it originated.
A reminder that teenagers are essentially “growing people”. They are learning how to live in the world just as much as all of us are. Being able to create space for dialogue and vulnerability in the teen’s household would be important to let them learn about the consequences and costs of deception (Pickhardt, 2009; Trent, 2018)
People in their teenage years can experience a plethora of rapid growth physically and emotionally; while also building a sense of their own identity and autonomy. A safe space for someone in this age range can be helpful in creating and fostering trust, truth, and vulnerability. We can be reached via our contact form, or by our client referral line at 773.528.1777. Thanks for checking in!
References
2SC Staff (2018). Can counseling help my teenager? My Chicago Therapist. https://www.mychicagotherapist.com/adolescent-psychologist-therapist-chicago/
Pickhardt, C. E. (2009). Adolescent lying: What it costs and what to do. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/200903/adolescent-lying-what-it-costs-and-what-do
Pickhardt, C. E. (2018). Confronting adolescent lying and what parents might say. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201810/confronting-adolescent-lying-and-what-parents-might
Trent, S. (2018). How to build trust with teen daughters. My Counselor Online. https://mycounselor.online/building-trust-teen-daughters/
.S. Census Bureau (2019). American community survey 1-year estimates. Census Reporter. https://censusreporter.org/profiles/16000US1714000-chicago-il/
